Paprika off-screen?

b dub shared this article with me: http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5hjZBkNJ5qofmg0Qw3vHSfpNdKPfQ

"there's no point to you."

i can't figure this dream out...not entirely anyway.

My former figure skating coach, who we'll name Star, is giving out an award or honor of some sort in what feels like a living room. There is one other young lady, Star, and me in the room, and I am very joyous, as she gives the award out, since it is a celebratory sort of situation. I am not expecting to receive the award, but when Star announces that the award goes to her new student, it hits me that she completely passed me over for consideration though I've been a student of hers for years.

Feeling insufficiently valued, I start to speak up to her. Somehow, our exchange leads to her telling me bluntly, "There's no point to you!"...meaning that, as a student and skater, there is no point to invest any real effort and value into my training, since she doesn't see me "amounting" to anything competitively. This emotional scenario seems to occur on the second floor, above the living room, in what seems to be a large bathroom. I think at some point, she is even laying in the tub, pregnant, and telling me this in a very mean manner--not to let me down harshly but merely for the sake of stating what she finds to be the annoying truth of me.

I had, up to this point, trusted and relied on Star, in her coaching me and in her intentions. So, when I learned the contradictory truth of her real attitude towards me, I felt devastated more so about her opinion of me as a student than I did about the implication that my skating was purposeless. I was additionally shocked that she felt such meanness towards me, to say what she had directly to me, in a manner that lacked care or concern for me or my feelings.

I go to my mother, who is in the laundry room of our old house (most of the rooms seem to resemble modified areas of the house). Seems like daytime, but the house or natural lighting is somewhat dim.

I'm so upset and asking her, "If Star thought there was no point, then WHY did she keep teaching me?! She should've told me early on that she didn't think there was any point! She should've told me instead of taking our money and teaching me this whole time!" I thought of the writing I had done on figure skating and all the good things I had written about Star that were proving to be untruthful, and immediately regretted writing those good things and wanted to edit the writing to reflect the truth. I continue on to tell my mom, "You always said she was just nice to you, because she wanted money. Is that why she kept teaching me, even though she thought there was no point?? To get paid?" I felt stupid and regretted not having trusted or listened to my mom much earlier on, "Why didn't I believe you? How come I didn't realize it before??" By not trusting my mom's perspective, I had kept myself disillusioned and blind to Star's unworthy intentions and wasted my own efforts with the wrong coach.

Star, being pregnant, is asking or expecting my mom to attend to her in some way (I forget for what). My mom leaves the laundry room to head towards Star upstairs, even after everything I had just vented to her. The whole situation is so messed up. I feel disbelief and question my mom passionately as to why she's still going to attend to Star. Obviously, Star is no friend of ours--my mother was right all along. I'm confused as to why she is still offering her help to Star. While at first, I had been feeling protective of my mother's own dignity in the situation, as she continues on her way, I start to feel more so betrayed by my mother's loyalty to Star than anything.

The dream left me with an unresolved feeling and was slightly upsetting.
-My gut tells me that part of the dream is trying to convey to me that love is complicated. For instance, I disregard my mother's concern and continue taking lessons. My mother continues to support me, and in consequence, is forced to support Star. She cannot just stop this effort she has endeavored in.
-Also, I think this speaks to the part of me that seems to clash with the competitive element of society, the part that isn't quite in the game, even though I may be playing along.
-The coach dream character does not resemble the demeanor of or experience with the real coach I had. So, I think she is here in the dream to symbolize something instead of being an actual representation of someone.

falling, falling, etc.

usually I don't like to post dreams if I can't remember them in their entirety. I can only remember a small part of these dreams but I think they're pretty significant so I'm blogging them anyways :P

I don't remember how we got there, possibly on some sort of quest/adventure through the forest/jungle, but my mom, my friend w and I are on top of something really high, possibly a palm tree. we were able to stand on it sort of like in a video game where there is a platform on the top. I'm overcome by this really intense feeling: I am falling, helpless, and I just can't stay on the tree. it's up really high and I'm afraid of heights so I'm just completely terrified. w has me by the wrist, like we're holding hands but a little further up the arm, our hands overlapped. he's trying to pull me back up but I'm being pulled uncontrollably down. I'm squirming and panicking and the whole time my mom is worried and freaked out but does nothing physically, gives no reaction. I don't remember if I actually fell, but I woke up with these intense feelings of helplessness and lack of control. it was totally effed up! (when I told w about it in real life, he gave me all of these practical solutions to what he would do, like hook his carabiner on my belt, take a pickax out of his boot, stick it in the rock and swing me back up, which I think is why my subconscious chose him as my anchor maybe... maybe it's trying to tell me to be practical?) I wish I could remember more context of the dream, but that's all I've got.

another short dream I had involved going to work at a new job in an office and not really knowing what to do with myself, and just kinda being clueless and wandering around trying to look busy (which is very apropos because I'm currently in search of work). there was a love interest but I don't remember who he was and don't think I know him in real life. so I asked the executive what she wanted me to do, and she said, "well you can go pick this up," and gave me what was like a receipt for dry cleaning except at the top, it said Disneyland. which was really confusing. so I thought, "ok, I'll drive two hours to Disneyland and pick up your dry cleaning... what?!" but I was willing to do it, is the point. I think there was more at Disneyland but I don't remember.

I also had a dream that I was at my mom's house and there were dragons. like, literally, HUGE scary-ass, fire-breathing dragons, running around inside and outside. there were baby ones too, that were small like gremlins sort of, and we were killing them somehow, sort of like in a video game where you would shoot them and they would just disappear, i.e. the dream wasn't gory at all. my mom was going out somewhere and I was trying to convince her of the gravity of the situation, like, "you can't leave me home alone, there are dragons crawling all over!!! wtf mom!!" and then we found a baby one and she realized how serious it all really was (haha). her cats were crawling around too, and possibly attacking the baby dragons? I wish I could remember how we killed them. but it just gave me this feeling of creepy paranoia and general discomfort.

actually, lately I've been having trouble sleeping and I think it's partly because I've been having really (emotionally) intense dreams, but when I wake up I usually can't even remember them. it's so frustrating. but it's almost to the point where I'm afraid to go to sleep because my subconscious is trying to torture me.

whirlwind at the college

at first i was at what looked like a college, and i was with someone who might've been Anj. we were students in a hall and walking around. suddenly, there was an immensely strong wind blowing. it was so distracting to enjoying the moment, that i commented on how ridiculous the wind was. i pointed to a room that had papers flying about in the air due to the wind being so strong. then, Anj started walking somewhere that she had been planning on going. since we were hanging out, it was expected that i follow. so, she walks into what looks like a big, college hang-out type of living room, like from a frat house or dormitory or co-op. it's filled with mismatched chairs, sofas, furniture--a lot of it is worn out and crappy. but the room is filled with student-aged people, particularly guys. she walks there and starts talking to some guy there. for some reason, i'm not feeling the scene and don't feel like hanging out there, so i tell that Anj i'll see her later and she says "ok." as i'm walking away, i'm upset about something in the room--like the condition or setup of something. and there's an elderly white couple who are in charge of the place, and the woman tells the man he should change what i'm upset about. and he's very grouchy and proud and tells her i should tell him myself if i have a problem with it. i gladly walk out of the room, not concerned with the old man's response, and close the door to the room, the door that is completely torn up and doesn't really even close, just swings.

i walk out into a kitchen that is absolutely gorgeous and sophisticated looking, well kept and clean. there's nobody around, the lights are dim. it looks like it should be my mom's house. and i'm suddenly very happy and have an absolutely great appetite and cannot wait to eat all the food or leftovers that must be around from my mom's cooking. but at some point, as i'm walking around this college-house hybrid, i'm standing on this black and white tiled floor, in this glass display type of room in a dim light and another friend Ar's voice speaks, without her physical being appearing--like I'm getting a message from God, "jen, you have to flirt"

then i wake up, feeling like i was just sent a very important divine message. haa-ay!

at least my dreams know what's going on with me...

last night i dreamt that i was in a hospital and a nurse was taking blood from my hand. she would withdraw a needle full of blood and carelessly pull out the needle while a little pool of blood leaked about my palm. she did this maybe twice at two different tables within one of the hospital rooms. i remember feeling worried that she was collecting the blood so carelessly and leaving me bleeding and unprotected. then, shortly after, she comes to give me the results of their tests and tells me that i have to stop taking a certain medicine that i'm supposedly on. i tell her that i already haven't been taking it regularly and only take it every now and then. she tells me that even when i take it once in a while, my body reacts by producing such and such stuff, which is causing me problems...


ok, the dream isn't as interesting to me as the symbolism is...

from dreamhawk.com:
NEEDLE: sharp pain. penetrating insight, self searching. male sex organ (um, i think not, in this case). the power of mending ills, fears.

BLOOD: Your energy and sense of existence; link with your family such as feelings of connection or bonding, inherited tendencies - what we now call genes, but also includes inherited strengths and weaknesses of character; universal life or power in your life, therefore connection with humanity; pain or struggle; injury; death.

Bleeding: Most often relates to emotional or psychological hurt and loss of energy, but can also depict physical injury, or presentiment of it. . .

...hmm. i think i know what the medicine represents...

bike rides

a couple mornings ago, I had a dream I was riding my bike to work-- Trader Joe's, of course, in Camarillo. I was riding through a town that was a mix of westlake village and oxnard (although geographically impossible), and was riding down a frontage road next to the freeway. there was another bike rider on my right, who slowed down and got further over to the side to let me pass, but I like shot past him super quickly, proud and confident of my ability to handle my bike-riding skillz, thinking "you don't need to watch out for me, I can handle myself, yo!" I passed a street called Lolylove Lane, like the Jenna Fischer movie, and I just suddenly knew that's where she'd gotten the title. I thought to myself, "Jenna's been to Oxnard! awesome!" and kept riding. finally, I get there, but I can't find the store. I *know* where it is (off of the Carmen Dr. exit), but I can't for the life of me figure out how to get there. I can't figure out which way to go- left, or right, or if I'm on the wrong side of the freeway. in this confusion, I wake up.

it's funny that I remembered this dream because I haven't been remembering ANYthing at all for weeks and weeks, which is totally unusual for me. I think the bike riding symbolizes like my path through life, my drive as it were, and the fact that I know where I'm going is good (maybe? maybe not, cos it's a job I *used* to have-- I don't wanna go backwards), but I never get there and can't quite figure out the last step. it wasn't so much frustrating as it was confusing though. I think the conflation of oxnard and westlake is really funny cos they're so far apart culturally and geographically. it's like I lived two different lives, one in each place. I think in this dream I'm trying to deal with my past and figure out where I'm going. also, the Jenna Fischer thing is hilarious! I think I was watching the Office or something before I went to bed, but also, I know that after reading The Artist's Way, she was motivated to make Lollilove, which led to being on the Office. and The Artist's Way is one of my most favorite books, and since graduating and being in this rut of not knowing what to do with my life, I've really begun to think I want to do something creative. so maybe it was my subconscious (or the universe, depending on what you believe :P ) telling me where to go for inspiration? I dunno :P it was a good feeling type of dream, like I felt focused and motivated until I couldn't find my way at the end. (sorry for the rambles!)

ps. I don't own a bike in real life.

Disaster Trends

The past several weeks, I've been having lots of natural disaster dreams. It's possibly connected to my trip to New Orleans, where I was evacuated days before Hurricane Gustav landed, but I'm pretty sure I was having these dreams before Labor Day.

Last night, I dreamt I was in my childhood house in Solvang. I was looking out the window across our backyard, watching the dark clouds in the sky. Then some lighting bolts appeared, and they lasted for several seconds. They were big, thick, violent-looking bolts--like nothing I'd ever seen before. I was so excited, because I love electrical storms.

Then I looked to the right, and instead of seeing houses and hills, we were by the coast and you could see this dark, extremely thick low-flying cloud quickly traveling directly towards our house. I was still very excited, because I didn't know what to expect, but I thought it would be a fun ride.

When the cloud hit, it was full of strong wind and debris. It crushed our chimney and water started leaking in through newly broken windows. My family and I suddenly became very scared. After about 30 seconds, the storm cloud passed on. I went to survey the damage. The chimney was a total loss, and I was worried about the structural integrity of the house in the middle. I walked to my sister's room, where she was sleeping, and there was water leaking in from the window, soaking the carpet. The same thing happened in my room. Everything was a mess.

The next day, I looked out the window at the neighborhood. One of our neighbors across the street lost most of the stucco from his house, revealing the wood frame. He was walking near his house with a shotgun, assumably protecting his property from looters. It was very strange, because the neighborhood was always exceptionally safe.

....and that's about all I remember.


This dream brings up memories of a huge electrical storm that happened when I was living there as a young child. It was so big, it made the papers the next day.

Also, more recently, one night I was driving from work to this club called Bordello in downtown LA. There were several big lighting strikes in the foggy distance, looking towards the ocean. On the way home, it was dying down, but while driving west on I-10, I saw one of the longest-lasting bolts I've ever seen. It was right in front of me, in the distance, and seemed to last three or four seconds. The oddest part was there weren't really any clouds in the sky to speak of. The air was just so humid and thick, I believe the lighting was traveling thusly.

These two events made very big impacts in my mind, and probably had some sort of influence on this dream....along with the whole hurricane thing, I suppose. :]

-Dan

Lately I have been dreaming like mad. The last dream I had was quite interesting:

I am outside a bar near a bunch of apartments. My brother and I are together, and we have the same parents (we have different mothers in real life). They are young, maybe early 30's--so it is really unclear how old D. and I are. We must be young teenagers. They are totally hip and hanging out in this room full of pretty Christmas lights--my mother has long black hair, and my father has a dark beard. My brother and I have another little brother who is turning four that day. I decide that we should make him a card like the ones I have been getting for my 24th birthday recently that read "24 and so much more". Instead we are going to write "4 and so much more". I am totally pleased with how cute it is going to be.

Eventually I make my way down to the bar. It is underground, no windows, very low lighting. I sit down in a nook and a woman is sitting across from me. Her face is shifting between my mother, my aunt, and my grandmother. I don't seem to notice or be confused by this. Eventually she gets talking, and talks up a storm. She can't get her venting out fast enough and soon she is crying hysterically. I am just listening this whole time across the table from her. She calms down and I can very vividly remember her saying:

"I just want someone to tell me I am balanced."

She goes on to explain that she feels crazy, her world is upside down, but she just wants someone to tell her that her mind is balanced, her way of dealing with things was OK. I tell her that the very fact that she is struggling to find someone to tell her that she is balanced means that she isn't feeling balanced in herself. I tell her that no one can tell her this, she has to find it and feel it herself first.

I get up from the table and go into a small dark hallway. I think I am looking for a bathroom, but suddenly I get this strong feeling of fear and I know things are about to get crazy. I find the nearest corner, back up into it and sit down on this armchair. Suddenly doors that I didn't even see originally fly open and thirty plus elderly people come speeding out all in wheelchairs. I know they are going to try to kill me so I put up my feet and just start kicking blindly.

Then I woke up!

i have no f*ing idea ...

from a whirl of dream scenes...
I'm talking to drunk friend, possibly via phone, trying to find the right words in asking her if she will ever get sick of partying hard, "I think it's great that you are having a good time, but won't you want to settle down one day...?" In the same room that I'm talking to her, I start sharing with L a little about her, since she's a part of my life and he's never heard about her. We seem to be looking at a wall, possibly framed photos, and I tell him non-judgementally, "She used to be in a sorority, of all things..." (meaning that I saw the irony in our differences and friendship).

There's something involving jumping around land in superhuman distances and seeing four mountains owned by my friend's friend E (who in the dream is very child-like) and is unveiling the childishly designed, theme-park like mountains. boink boink jumping past...

Then, "L", some of his family (elders mostly, including parents, possibly uncles and such), and i are in a long white van (the kind that airport shuttle services use) and we're driving somewhere. we reach this place (i've forgotten it) and get out of the car. i forget what happens when we get out, probably something involving L and i connecting or talking about something. basically everybody hops back into the van, including L, except me. The van is really crowded, and a few of L's family members take up more space than the others with their large shape. I respectfully decide that since they are all family, I will stay behind. However, his mom in the front seat and a large guy in the back (possibly an uncle?) firmly insist that i get back in the van, too. So, I try to make way and hang in the back row where there isn't really anywhere to sit. I appreciate the inclusiveness, and am looking at L who hasn't said anything but looks content. Even though everyone is so sweet, I feel a dissatisfaction, like a yearning to be closer to L, as opposed to being in the bigger, more impersonal setting. I keep looking at him to try to connect, when moments before, I had been perfectly content, wanting nothing more than what was.

I realize he wants to be closer, too, but lacks the courage to make a move. In my dream, he may have a family or some sort of obligation elsewhere, and I think that's why I don't say or do anything either...I don't want to take from him...anything.

Then, there's something with the character Alison from Melrose Place (played by Courtney Thorne-Smith), a fictional man, and another women involving jumping and crashing about trying to avoid death and save each others' lives while danger of large construction-like vehicles on a city street in the late night endanger and maneuver in ways that keep them tensely at fight for survival and salvage. I remember some of the crashing about and how it happened, but I'd rather not repaint the picture, since i'm not a fan of action films. . . I don't take pleasure in retelling how one person flew into a glass panel hanging from the construction-like vehicle as she continued to break through the glass, eventually landing on her back against the seats of a convertible. blahblahblah. finally, the man ends up dying. Suddenly, I'm one of the women. the surviving woman and i walk into the hotel, outside of which all this has happened, and we approach the front desk to report that so and so (the man) has just died. I'm holding my radraksha beads and know I am supposed to give the beads up to the people at the front desk. Somehow I know that the beads have lost their purpose in my possession now that the man has died, though I don't know why. I'm reluctant to give them up, having a fondness for the beads, and start to wonder what they symbolize, or why they've lost their purpose and why I'm so torn up about detaching from them forever. They are just beads, after all, and I no longer have a real reason to keep them. We're strolling away from the front desk, down a front hallway, taking my time to give the radrakshas up, and I'm bawling, bawling so hard. . .

I wake up.

green book

I had this dream that adolescent crush "L" and some lady friend of his came to show me some love letters I had written L long ago. The young lady was very enthusiastic, telling me how L had shown them to her whilst expressing how touched she was by them. L handed me a bound book with a worn-green, hardcover (it looked like an old, rare, collectible). When I opened up the book, the pages were filled with all these artsy, artful "love letters" I'd given him. Though he had not fully reciprocated my feelings back in the day, the gesture of the book was so sweet to me and made me happy, as it showed he had not only made efforts to value and respect my sentiments but also to return something back to me.

sad dream

I think I've had a weird dream every morning this week, usually right before I wake up, which is unusual for me because its been really hot here and I've been sleeping badly (in which case I usually don't remember my dreams). this one was a couple of days ago and it was really traumatic at the time, although it seems ridiculous now. it might mean something, especially because it was so emotionally powerful, but I also think its just a general anxiety dream.

I'm in Portland, and my BFF is visiting but he's brought along my ex-boyfriend, GB, someone I'm not on the most friendliest of terms with, someone who he's not even friends with in real life, so I'm pretty much shocked they're here together. we're all in my apartment and I'm super, super upset that BFF brought GB and isn't even interested in doing anything with me; they've already made all their own plans and none of it includes visiting with me. I start throwing a major tantrum because I'm so upset. I'm throwing things at BFF and at one point I even slap him... GB is trying to play a tape on my broken tape deck and I snap at him that it doesn't work, thinking he's real idiot for trying (haha). I feel this uncontrollable anger and frustration, and even though I'm yelling and crying and letting it out physically, it doesn't feel like I'm venting it at all and it just keeps building up and overflowing. eventually, they leave, and then somehow I find out that my Portland friends have asked BFF to go on a camping trip for underprivileged kids with them, but have neglected to ask me. I am incredibly hurt and feel so left out! I'm talking to one friend, W, outside, and he says, you know, I'm so sorry, we didn't think this would happen, we thought someone asked you, we'll see if there's any room for you on the trip (doubtfully). I'm just a mess, I'm crying and feeling totally alone and sad. I realize that my mom is out of town, and my friend A has moved home... this is my last week in Portland before I move home and no one even remembered enough to want to hang out with me before I go... I start to shower because I think it will calm me down. afterwards, I'm standing at the sink combing my hair and in the mirror I see BFF's reflection which totally startles me, so I turn around and he disappears. then I wake up.

what the vanessa hudgens?!

I think this might be the weirdest dream I've ever had in the history of my dreams... so funny. so vanessa hudgens and i are hanging out at my dad's house. she ends up spending the night, and we are in a huge room on a couch while my brother and sister (half-siblings, but on my mom's side, so its weird that they're at my dad's house) are asleep on the fold out couch bed. we stay up all night talking and kissing and having fun and we fall in love. i wonder if zac will care or get jealous now that we're dating because they seemed so in love, and V says, no he won't care, so I get the impression that their relationship was all for show anyways. we get up the next morning and talk about our day, going to school of course (we are in high school), and we are hanging out on this bench outside, talking and being in love, when my dad pulls up in a white minivan (like a soccer mom!). my dad asks us kind of exasperatedly when we're going to school, don't we realize its already 9am?! we have school at 10am! and we of course didn't realize how late it had gotten cos we were sitting and talking and were so absorbed into each other. all of a sudden another one of our girl friends is with us, so we all get in my dad's van and he rushes to drive us to our respective houses so we can change in time for school. my friends are speculating what they want to wear, and then i shout out 'i want hashbrowns!!' cos i'm hungry, and i ask my dad 'if we hurry, can we stop & get some food?!' so now my dad is really rushing to get us ready for school. in the car, i'm thinking about what shirt i'm going to change into and how i'm going to style my hair (with pomade, Duh! I'm in high school!).

conveniently, we all live in the same stretch of apartments, and because i spent the night at my dad's house, i'm now going to my mom's apartment to change my clothes. we pull up, and instead of it looking like a normal apartment structure, there is a walkway down the middle where a street would be, and the right half is apartments, and on the left it is raw unfinished dirt, like piled up in a fake mountain. the path we walk down is just dirt, and then little paths break off from the main path to get to each apartment. a maitre'd is taking me to my mom's and vanessa to her apartment, and while we're walking i'm singing that 80s song, "We Built This City" and somehow the music is playing in the background too, and I'm proud of myself for getting all of the timing for the entrances right and I think I'm impressing V with my skills. the maitre'd is in a white coat with black pants, like he works at a hotel-very fancy. and there are people on the left, working on the hill and in the dirt and some getting ready for school. the maitre'd stops at one door and there is no number on the door so i know its a supply closet. i try to tell him, no this isn't my mom's apartment, its a supply closet, but he won't listen and insists on opening the door anyway, only to find stacks of chairs. so we go to the next door and there is a cooking class going on in my mom's apartment. a group of women are learning how to make stuffed tomatoes, and for each woman there is a cooking station with a huge, stainless steel cooking pot.

then I wake up.

visiting home & ozomatli day

so, according to my dream this morning...

ozomatli is a harvesting day that occurs on october 23rd. on that day, plants are harvested using a specific method, derived from indigenous people, that involves a very specific process of uprooting and replanting the plants. in my dream, there are a few organized persons (mainly white, in their 20s or 30s) who are organizing some plants on what feels like a punk farm. one of them is giving this brief background of ozomatli (i hear his voice detached from his body, like a tour guide speaking from afar). he distinguishes the ozomatli practice from another method of replanting that he dismisses as being seen done mostly by punk hipster kids. feeling that the people on the farm are not much different, i find it interesting that he is distinguishing their identities and practice from such kids using such clear, reductive labels.

this whole time, my view is of a corner of a building and the area around the corner. along the farther side of the building corner, a few feet outwards is a parallel, narrow farm-like structure, with metal arches rising from soil. perpendicular to the adjacent side of the corner (the side nearest me), there is a single row of 3 or 4 ft. tall, long-leafed plants with big, purple corn-like buds/flowers stretched straight ahead. i am standing a few feet in front, in front of a dark patch of soil. i am happily digging out with wide edges the plants and soil in this patch that is parallel to the wall, perpendicular to the row of potted, purple-budded plants.

after this process of uprooting, h.s. friend M comes by and is also working on the farm. he starts talking to me for a bit, as i stand there and take a break. as i take break, i realize i feel very physically stressed. i decide to go for a jog around the grassy, diamond, baseball-like field to which this tiny farm area opens out into. i'm looking forward to returning to the work, but just gotta shake out the stress in my body by this free sprint around the field. as i pass the backstop of the diamond, returning to the farther corner of the building, i pass by someone i recognize cheerleading. when i return, M has finished the job. the soil now appears as wooden tiles from my waking life old house. and the plants that have been planted are now thick leafless stems arising from out of the side of the tiles. i am a little disappointed that M has finished all the work, and wonder if he thought my going for a sprint meant i wasn't dedicated to the work and therefore, wasn't going to finish it. and then, siding with the logic, i figure, "well, maybe i wasn't working hard enough. probably other people here are working harder and i shouldn't have taken a break."

now, prior to this dream sequence, i am visiting my friends in southern california, though the scenery looks much more like vague dream scenery as opposed to anything familiar or concrete. i see my best friend, from an observational point of view, and it becomes apparent to me how my living far away effects her. i become aware of how the effect on her is also felt in my life, but in a different way and how unlike her, i've been accustomed to living a sort of socially difficult life--whereas the source of her difficulty is pinpointed as my absence and felt as a subtle fear of the many other people she is sociable with leaving her. then, she and i are walking around and talking, and i tell her ambiguously how i have stuff to show/share with her, without telling her it is the music i've been working on in school. then, W, another h.s. acquaintance comes by. he is on the move and hands me a piece of paper with dates and times, and reiterates what is already written on the paper, as he points to it, "i'll be here on this day, with free time from 1 to 10. let's hang out then." at first, i misread the times, thinking he's designated only one hour of time to hang out. i feel disappointed that the time is so short, but then i realize my mistake and think, "wow, nine hours. that's a good amount of time!" then i jokingly write on the paper, "that sounds good," as i respond aloud the same words. then M (same one) comes by, handing me an small orange rectangular sheet of paper that is less-detailed than the white sheet W handed me with his schedule. the one M hands me says something like, "I'll be in T.O. Let's hang out." i say to him, "sure," wondering why he wants to hang out with me and thinking that it's because in T.O., there aren't many people he would want to hang out with...and apparently, i'm the closest to cool in T.O. in his book. then, he leaves.

now, i'm talking on the phone with a h.s. friend D, who is telling me about a piece of music that he got commissioned to write/perform and such-and-such a venue. i also become aware of our friend DJ who has some sort of institution-related, art work (a bush-like structure) going on. i am very happy for the both of them. M is now far away but communicating to me somehow (it's like we are talking, but there is no phone). he tells me about the changes in his life, about how he's thinking of looking for new work, expressing dissatisfaction with his past work, and how he's thinking of moving out of santa cruz. he tells me about some music he wrote (compositional as opposed to songwriting) that is going to be performed at such-and-such a venue. i am excited for him, and relate the news about D and his music. M proceeds to tell me they got the gig together. it's the same venue. he is very confident that no will will show up and disappointed about this. i offer my sincere support, "aww, i would totally come, if i were there..." i also tell him about D's unclassified instutition/art work. as i talk to M, i realize his personality will always be very strong and fast-paced, and i wonder how one would relate to him on a normal basis (as opposed to once in a while), feeling it is something new to me, that I would have to adjust to.

searching.

I'm at a restaurant/food place of some sort, similar to McDonalds inside (people sitting at tables with trays of food, etc.). My Portland friends are at a table but I'm sitting at my own table across the restaurant, waiting on my food. My BFF comes in the restaurant and is here from California to visit me. However, he is with a loud and rowdy bunch of skateboarders, and all of them sit down at my table. I'm super excited to see BFF but also saddened that he is distracted by so many other people. I take BFF over to my Portland friends' table and introduce them, acutely aware that BFF is very tall and wearing glasses and I'm wondering how my PDX friends will interpret this, if they will be threatened by his tallness. After the introductions, BFF and I leave and go over to another table by ourselves, at which point I don't think we're in the restaurant anymore but somewhere else. We start looking through a shoebox filled with small circular things: quarters, buttons, magnets, other coins. We're looking for two small mirrors and won't be satisfied til we find them, although I don't remember why we need them for whatever we're doing, we just know we do. We're excited to find them because we're in the midst of some sort of project. I wake up while still searching.

So I thought this dream was interesting partially because its so weird and succinct but also because I looked up various meanings and most of them struck a chord with me. First of all, in real life my BFF is really coming to visit in about a month so I think this is about the anticipation of that and the apprehension that my friends will all get along and like each other. Dreamhawk.com said that searching for something "usually indicates an attempt to find: a past way of life - like wanting to have childhood lack of responsibilities; a lover from the past; trying to find an answer to a pressing problem; searching for ones identity or sense of value in a particular setting. Also it may indicate a feeling of having lost something - youth; sexual appeal; creativity; motivation." I think almost all of these apply to me right now, being on the brink of college graduation and longing for less responsibility, wondering where to go and what to do next; and because I'm most likely moving home I think this dream speaks to my wanting to find a past way of life but also my fear of falling back into old patterns and regressing. The mirror part supposedly symbolizes social restrictions that create distance, but that doesn't really mean anything to me. Also, I was trying to find something about circles but didn't really come up with much, so if anyone has ideas about that, please let me know!

babies have little bladders...

i'm inside the cabin of a boat that is traveling relatively quickly. beside me are extended family members, including children. we are looking out the window as it tours the coastline. however, the scenery in my dream does not appear as waking life scenery would appear. exciting sights pass one after another and are all unrealistically visible and close, as if they were designed for our boatride's viewing pleasure. at one point, i see legoland, which in waking life is in the san diego area. immediately, i look towards my "nephews" (what we call our cousins' sons in the chinese language) and tell them to quickly look up at legoland passing by.

no longer am i at the side of the cabin, staring out the large windows. in the middle of the cabin, there are rows of seats, where a young lady holding a baby, someone older (possibly my mother, i forget), and i am. the baby is crying, and the young lady, probably in her early twenties, is walking back and forth behind the rows of seats, trying to console the baby, who is not hers and is possibly mine. i'm sitting in the middle of the rows of seats with our belongings, near the older woman. the rows are otherwise empty/unoccupied. the young woman starts to look for the baby's bottle, asking where it is, trying to find a way to stop the baby's crying. however, the baby was fed not too long ago, so i tell her, "you can't just keep on feeding the baby everytime it cries!" i try to explain rationally, uncertain in the logic i am using to persuade her it's wrong to feed the baby again, using my hands to illustrate the point, "babies have small bladders. what goes in must come out!"

Porn Stars and Zombies

I had a dream recently in which I was making out with a girl that I hated in high school. Somehow I realized it was a dream and my mind generated a situation in which I was talking to myself. Different aspects of my personality were represented by different people. I asked them why my dream couldn't have been about a porn star like Jenna Jameson! ;-) HA! Then I woke up.

The other dream I had earlier this week was about a zombie airplane. My home is near a county airstrip called Paine Field and so, of course since most of Boeing's manufacturing happens here in and around the greater Seattle area, we get a lot low flying passenger jumbo jets flying in and out of the Everett facility.

So in this dream, a Boeing 747 is flying a holding pattern around the airstrip, waiting to land. But for some reason, they're in some sort of time loop and are effectively zombies from our perspective because they keep flying this same pattern without regard for anything on the ground. They keep almost hitting trees and buildings. They don't seem to respond to repeated attempts to get their attention. They keep circling the strip and my house.

Eventually, what happens is that the plane tries to land again, but it's actually landing in the trees and so it crashes. Then I'm driving away from the crash in my car and I see that there are trees above me horizontally suspended above the roadway (I'm on the freeway on the East Side), like cable car wires. One of them has fallen down. It's raining, and is very cloudy...and I'm awake again.

butterflies - some are frozen

There is a lady of some sort of butterfly-related expertise describing to a group of people, of which I am included in, how we can have flying butterflies for ourselves. She lists various possibilities of how to do this, the majority of options include using real live butterflies. For some reason, before I appear at this group, I've found a bag of frozen twig-like carcasses, from a nearby freezer. I feel confused about what they are and why they are the way they are. As I stand in the back of the group, listening to the butterfly-related expert list the various ways to have flying butterflies and demonstrating these to us, I feel anxious and disappointed, thinking, "All I have are these sad, dead, frozen twig-like bodies." I feel badly for having in possession something so morbid and creepy, until she lists as one of the last options, "and you may have frozen butterflies..." She takes out a bag of which contents look a lot like that of the bag I'm holding. She turns these frozen, incomplete butterfly body remnants into whole, live, flying butterflies. I am amazed and relieved that the butterflies can be transformed into something so beautiful, living and full.

my interpretation...I think this is about feeling confused about what to do with something unknown, seemingly useless and dead, and finding out in a learning situation that it can be transformed into something inspiring that everyone appreciates. I feel like this applies to my current school situation, where I have projects due and am feeling uninspired or uncertain of whether I'll make anything worthwhile from them...

love, living spaces, and lies

I'm sharing an apartment with two people, Nan (my current roommate) and AL (an old friend). The apartment and location is not from anywhere familiar in my waking life. Nan, AL, and I are in the dim, square-shape living room, probably doing something with music. Then, AL suddenly decides to leave, giving some excuse.

I'm now in a hotel with my family. At first, we're inside a hotel room that AL is sharing with us. But then, he says that he changes his mind about staying there, "Actually, my grandfather lives several floors up. I'm staying there." He leaves. My family and I are all heading out of the room, down some floors. I overhear AL tell someone else another lie about where he's staying. That's when I realize he's lying all over the place to different people and that even his personality changes when he's with different people. However, I can see his duplicitousness is not ill-mannered--his situation is actually sad, because he responds to the people he's around like a chameleon and is so deep into the adaption that he's lost any sense of identity unassociated with other people. As I'm realizing this, I see these different parts of him on a stage, and I can understand and even relate to that separation of oneself into different parts from my past experience. But I no longer suffer that sense of lostness of ungrounded self and want to offer him my insights from my past experience to help relieve his suffering since it is clear how he feels. He's sitting next to me in audience seats, where we're watching the stage with my family sitting in the seats behind us. He kisses me, and then I kiss him, and then we kiss again. (This may have been earlier in the dream. I'm confused because AL comes and goes several times and the scene changes so many times.) Eventually, somewhere AL disappears, and there is something about me staging one of his plays without him knowing it and feeling proud about it. I want to find him and tell him, but I have no idea where to find him. My family, on the other hand, is searching for two other people. Eventually, I sort of split up from them.

In my search for AL, I reach a room in the hotel with high ceilings and a large, indoor swimming pool. A friend of AL's is there, and I let him know I am looking for AL. I want to tell AL about his play. He appears (but he looks like a different person than the initial person in my dream), and he heads slowly, as if in a trance, towards the pool. His clothes are on, but he just feels compelled to walk into the deep end of the pool, similar to the part in the book, The Awakening where Edna feels drawn to the ocean. He doesn't want to swim, per se. He steps into the pool and is exerting little effort to swim, and I'm wondering if he is going to try to drown himself, especially since he started out with such a far-away, blank sort of stare...

I forget the rest of the dream...but I wake up shortly afterwards

funerals, game shows & ghosts.

So J's dream post inspired me... these are all snippets from this morning and will probably sound crazy out of context because I've forgotten a lot of details and I think they all kind of blended together, so bear with me...

I am with my friend D and we are in the office of a psychiatrist or dream doctor of some sort (it made sense in the dream). we are sitting across from the doctor and waiting for his analysis of D's problem, something to do with ghosts or spirits or dreams or something like that. Instead of sitting next to D, I'm standing sort of behind her and to the side, hugging her neck, supporting her because we are both so nervous about hearing the results. (I wish I could remember what the doctor said but I can't! grrr.)

then, I'm at my childhood home in westlake, ca, and a ton of my friends are gathered here, old and new, california and oregon friends. I'm hanging out with my childhood friends in my old kitchen, chatting about something, and we're all in black and drinking punch, eating hors d'oeuvres. looking back now, I think we were at a funeral, but I don't know who's it was. my friend R from portland shows up, and I'm really happy to see him and surprised he's here and came all of this way. I reach up to give him a big hug and he bends down to hug me, and I notice how very tall he is. I'm really excited to show him around and introduce him to my california friends, like I'm reconciling these two separate parts of my life. I introduce him to my best friend, M, and then to my other friend M but am confused about what to call M because I don't want to belittle him by using the nickname our friends use to differentiate between the two Ms. I hung M as well and it is warm and comforting and I can feel how much he loves me. then, I get excited about showing R pictures of me as a little kid. we walk over to the fridge because that's where the pictures are. the frames are actually the ends of shelves (which was completely logical in the dream), so I open the door and start showing R pictures of me as an awkward 9 year old, doing something dorky. we laugh.

eventually I end up in a room, which could be a donut store but the main lights have been turned off so the room is creepy and poorly lit. I am not myself in this dream, but someone else. there are a couple of coolers of drinks to the left, and I and a bunch of other contestants are sitting against one wall in green plastic chairs. the drinks in the coolers are japanese, and to me they appear very mysterious because I cannot read the labels but there are various fruits on them and they are all brightly colored. all of us contestants are a bit on edge because of the setting and also the expectations of the game show we are on. (but I hesitate to use the word game show because it is not flashy, there is no audience, etc. we just know it is a game.) a voiceover comes on and tells us what to look for: for each fruit juice there is a spirit or ghost we are supposed to find in the room. they will match up by color presumably, and we will only be looking for one color at a time. we are all a little nervous about making light of ghosts and spirits and I don't think anyone correctly answers any of the questions. that's about all I remember.

in regards to the funeral bit:
"To dream of your own funeral symbolizes an ending to a situation or aspect of yourself. You may be repressing some of your feelings or parts of yourself and the dream may be a signal for you to recognize and acknowledge those feelings. Instead of confronting a situation, you are dealing with it by burying it and trying to forget about it.
To dream that you are at somebody else's funeral, signifies that you are burying an old relationship and closing the lid on the past. You may be letting go some of the feelings (resentment, anger, hostility toward someone) that you've been clinging onto. If you are dreaming that you are at a funeral of an unknown person, then it suggests that something in your life is supposed to put to rest or put aside so that you can make room for something new. You need to investigate further what aspect or component of your life you need to let go."
(I think the part most applicable to me right now is the last one, that of the unknown person's funeral.)

Pixar's First Short

Okay, so it wasn't quite Pixar yet. It was about 25 years ago and the company at the time was called the Lucusfilm Computer Graphics Project, which eventually became Pixar, but the point is that it's really old! Would you believe that the following film clip was made in 1984?! I didn't believe it either, but it's true.

I know it's not exactly a dream, but since computer animation couldn't exist without the human imagination to create it, I thought it would be an interesting thing to post given the focus of this blog. Enjoy!

marriage...

hey, bloggers. nice to see it's busy on here...
so, i've failed to blog many a strange, intriguing dream since i last posted, but here i am today with two snippets from this past week or so.

*dream of my friends D and M who used to date years ago: there's a bridal image of D. M is there with her as a friend, earnestly insisting that he needs to speak with her, but she is obviously preoccupied with getting married. i'm not participant in the dream, just watching. somehow, it's communicated to me (not necessarily in words) that the message of this dream is to show the depth of beauty that M sees in D.

*this morning i dreamt i was getting married to an old friend who i'll call X. the ceremony is outside (maybe in a park), very casual. it's an impromptu decision to get married. X and i are dressed in pretty casual clothes--you wouldn't suspect either of us to be bride or groom. somehow, without much of any planning there are still family and friends who are magically present at this humble, little, slightly uphill, outdoor spot that has seats and a little white arch where X is ready and waiting for me. i am in some sort of room trying to get ready and my friends are around, when i start to panic, "i don't have a ring for him!!!! what am i gonna do? sh*t!! i don't have a ring! i need to call my mom!! what am i gonna do?!?" for some reason, my mother is nowhere to be found, though she is the one person i need the most at that moment. in my thoughts raced a million stabs at solving this problem, including asking my mom for a ring to use, but my rationale clicks in, "even if i get a hold of my mom, she won't have a ring typically worn by a man! i need a wedding band, not just a ring! sh*t!!!!!!!!!" i feel horrible, because X is already ready and no doubt has a ring for me. the wedding is supposed to start soon, and i'm missing one of the most important ceremonial gestures of our love! in the panic of being unprepared, i head left, away from the ceremony spot, towards my best friend L, who's by a phone and sitting on a stool, by a bar-like counter. i ask where she thinks we should have the reception, at place-blah-blah or at Chen's (an excellent restaurant that my family has frequented for many years). before she answers, i'm thinking Chen's will want to plan out a very nice reception and menu, which we do not have to time to do. Since everything is so impromptu, we have to go with a place that isn't as thoughtful. i tell L, "make sure there are some vegan dishes." she assures me, "there will be. they're mostly for you." and i reply, "it's for my dad, too." without doing much planning myself, my friends have taken care of things without my having to ask and in a very relaxed, hassle-free manner.

"Marriage: To see a marriage in your dream, signifies commitment, harmony or transitional period. You are undergoing an important developmental phase in your life. The dream may also represent the unification of formerly separate or opposite aspects of yourself. In particular, it is the union of masculine or feminine aspects of yourself. Consider the qualities and characteristics of the person that you are marrying. These are the qualities that you need to look at incorporating within yourself." (from Dreammoods.com)

Your Enemy Is Not My Enemy; The Theatre

So, I had two rather profound dreams last night. I woke up in between the two.

The first dream was as follows:

I am in a military infantry unit. My orders are to defend the countryside against an enemy incursion. We are to open fire at enemy forces on sight.

It's morning. The air is crisp. At the far side of a field, in the sky I see two parachutes falling to the ground in the distance. I think to myself, "Paratroopers: it's an invasion!" I run as fast as I can towards the enemy soldiers. They are now only a hundred feet off the ground. I take aim with my rifle and fire the first shot. It hits the parachute and the soldier falls to the ground with a thud. I fire again on the other soldier. This time the bullet hits him.

I run over to the location of the first soldier: he's dead. Unexpectedly, however, this soldier's face is not my enemy at all. It's one of my longtime friends (in real life this person just finished a tour of duty in Iraq).

I am shocked and mortified by what has just occurred. After a moment to gather myself, I run over to the location of the second soldier.

His wound appears to be superficial: a flesh wound. He is unconscious, but still breathing. His face is none other than my brother.

I feel a strong sense of remorse at having shot at them both...

I wake up. I almost started to blog the dream right then, but I was too tired and it was way too early! I go back to sleep...

I'm with a girl. Her name is Millie. She is blonde, has a beautiful face and a fair complextion. I feel like we are old friends. We're talking and reminiscing. In general, we are relaxed.

For some reason, at some point, we have to leave and go somewhere else. So, she transforms into a lioness. I ask her to change into something else.

She jokes, "would you rather that I become a spider?" She quickly changes into a huge arachnid.

I say, "no, please change back." I hate spiders.

She changes back into a lioness. She says, "I'll walk you over."

I get on her back and she literally walks me over to a large theatre. There is to be an opera performed.

My memory is a bit fuzzy at this point however I am somehow separated from the girl and am now with another friend of mine.

I am standing in a line waiting to see the show. I am chatting with a friend of mine. His name is Alexey. He is rather tall and thin. We're just chatting and reminiscing. After a long wait in the line, we finally get into the theatre.

The place is really old. We're sitting up on the second level balcony. The stairs are made of wood and are extremely steep. I make it down to the second row on the second level balcony. My friend is seated directly in front of me.

A house attendant taps my shoulder and says, "excuse me, what are you doing with these?"

I look to my right and I see a box of saxophone mouthpieces in the chair next to mine. I respond, "they are not mine. I do play the saxophone, but these are not my mouthpieces."

The attendant is wearing a white t-shirt, white pants and a white baseball cap. He is covered in white paint. Obviously, he is a contractor. It makes no sense for him to be a house attendant. He replies, "you're damn right they're not your mouthpieces." Open your backpack.

I do so while saying, "I don't know what you're looking for, but you're not going to be able to incriminate me. Those are not my mouthpieces; I didn't even know they were there!"

I remove from the small pouch at the front of my backpack a student-model, plastic alto saxophone mouthpiece. The tip is chipped in about five places; this mouthpiece is a piece of junk.

"Can you prove this is yours?" he says.

I reply, "well, I don't exactly have a receipt on me."

We leave the theatre and go back to my house. I get my alto saxophone out, pop on the mouthpiece with a reed and I begin to play...

I wake up! I have the sneaking suspicion that both these dreams were connected and took place in the same universe.

Worst Case Scenario

It's night. I'm on a bus with a couple of friends. We're speeding down I-5 South into Seattle. I look out the window and there is a beautiful Victorian hotel I've never seen before. It is white, with a steeple and there is a brightly-lit, yellow window near the top of the building. We pass the U-District and start to go over the ship canal bridge.

As we near the end of the bridge, we start to see rows and rows of cars stopped with no lights on. The bus tries to stop as well, but we can't seem to stop fast enough. We hit a car. And another. Five cars hit. Now it's impossible to know how many!

We come to a dead stop. It's very dark and I look out the front window of the bus and see that Seattle is completely devastated; no buildings are lit. There is smoke rising from the center of the city and a number of buildings have collapsed: most are completely leveled. Those that are still standing are only frames. The freeway is cracked not too far ahead of us. The cars near the end of the bridge are in danger of falling straight into the canal.

Where are the people? There are no people! I feel a sense of dread: it's just us on this bus.

The sky is ashen, there is very little light and Seattle is dead. Quickly we realize that it must have been a nuclear bomb or something just as bad. The thought occurs to me that we should turn around and get out of here as quickly as possible to limit our radiation exposure if it was a nuclear bomb...

I wake up and I am sufficiently disconcerted.

california chase scene, gossip girl, & Beck.

last night I had a touch of insomnia and couldn't sleep so I started reading and forced myself to stay awake for a bit, but then just pretty much passed out and woke up at like 10 something and was still super tired so I fell back asleep but had this CRAZY dream that was really intense. it reminds me now of blade runner or something, with like futuristic chase scenes and being in a metropolitan city and stuff. but my friend mike and I were in southern california somewhere and my dad was there too only we were staying at a hotel that was actually the corner of a deli or something, so all of our stuff was laying around these tables and there were coolers of drinks. and there were people all around too. weird. and then I had to grab my stuff to go somewhere and mike was gone for some reason and was either supposed to meet me or I had to go looking for him, I'm not sure which. and people were chasing me, like they weren't monsters or anything, but I was in some sort of motorcycle type vehicle and had the sleeves to an old chair or couch in my lap and was stuffing them and some other clothes like behind me for some reason, to hide them maybe? not sure. and there were definitely people chasing me, I think they were women who looked like models and were also on motorcycle type vehicles. and we were speeding through LA, like I was trying to outrun something, and find mike at the same time, but he was missing and I was like terrified in the dream and hellbent on finding him. and he wasn't answering his phone and I was panicked. anyway, it was very disconcerting. I think there was also a part with a department or clothing store and maybe that's why I was running? regardless, I woke up feeling slightly panicked and out of sorts.

I also had another dream earlier last night with leighton meester from gossip girl, and we were hanging out but I think she was her character blair and not herself, and nate (who was actually his character) was calling me to hang out but I wasn't supposed to let her know cos we were friends and she would've freaked out. it's funny now, but in the dream I was very into the emotion of hiding something from her and feeling guilty but also excited. (I think this was from watching rocknroll high school, the part where tom calls for riff and her friend kate is right there. although its completely different in the movie and riff isn't into tom.)

and then the night before last, I had a dream that beck was picking my pockets. I was wearing a long navy blue coat with low pockets and was laying down or sleeping, and he was trying to reach in my pocket without me noticing, and was sort of like crouched over me. I wish he was crouched over me for a different reason (sorry, I had to go there), but I think he was just trying to be sneaky.

anywho, maybe I should stop watching so many beck/ramones youtube videos late at night, huh?! ...I just can't help it.

in regards to the first dream:
CITY or TOWN: Your relationship with strangers, with life on the street, therefore your interaction with society and the many choices it confronts you with about direction, relationships, activities, your sense of community, along with the mental and emotional environment in which you live.
In some dreams: The town may represent work opportunity, or just opportunity.
Home town or town of birth: Your familiar way of life; the way you usually go about things. Or the life you lived while young.
Strange town: You are exploring something new in your activities, most likely in relationship with strangers. Or perhaps you are facing new or different attitudes or way of life, new choices or opportunities.

CHASED/CHASING: Anything moving toward you in a dream usually signifies that you are becoming more aware of it, feeling it more intensely. So being chased in a dream usually denotes that you are feeling something you fear more intensely and are trying to avoid confronting it. This is not usually a good policy, as you can never get away from yourself.
If you are chasing something it shows what you are making an effort to gain in life, but the thing you are pursuing might be difficult to arrive at, possible because of your own feelings about attaining it.

CLOTHES:Clothes can mean many things depending upon dream context, their colour, style, what period of time they depict, and their condition - i.e. clean or dirty, ragged or smart, etc. We often associate ideas and feelings about how others see us, or how we would like to be seen, with clothes - sexy, smart, casual, formal, etc. Clothes also allow us to change how people relate to us, so can represent the different ways you can present yourself. Clothes might also represent disguising what you really feel, or covering up something. Occasionally clothes represent the attitudes you use to protect yourself, or to fend off other people.

(I think all of those interpretations are really interesting!)

Every Actor's Worst Nightmare

When I was ten years old, I played the title role in a fairly high-profile production of Oliver! It was a successful run which lasted about three or four months in two venues with six or seven shows each week. From time to time I think about it and generally my thoughts and memories are positive.

However, just a few moments ago, I awoke from what must be characterized as every actor's worst nightmare:

I am back in Oliver! again. It's the end of a scene and I am offstage left standing just behind the line of sight from the audience. There are some people in center stage who are reciting some dialogue. Suddenly, I realize that my cue has just been stated and I can't remember the monologue I'm supposed to go out and do now!

I walk out and throw a glance to the person who just said my cue and he immediately gets the message, he attempts to improvise something for me, but fails miserably. The audience quickly becomes aware of what has happened and begins to get up and walk out...

I shout out, "wait a second!" to the audience, which by the way, I'd have been fired if I'd ever really so brazenly broken character like I just did. I run offstage right, I grab a copy of the script and proceed to return to the stage with script in hand to recite my dialogue.

The audience is not at all amused and starts to leave; boos are heard...

I wake up!

That Old Job

Getting a source of income has been rather high up on my list of things to do since I got back from Boston recently, so it's no surprise that I would end up having a dream about working sooner or later.

This time, the dream was from my own perspective:

It's daytime and I walk into the front door of the horn shop which I used to work at in Seattle a few years ago. This is a bit odd because I used to enter through the back door when I worked there in reality. It's a small shop and it looks pretty much like I remember it except it's really messy. I suppose that part is pretty accurate though... It still has that ugly raspberry red carpet. A sky blue divider is in the corner next to the desk, by the front window. This place needs desperately to be redecorated!

It's staffed by maybe six people including the three who worked there with me in real life, but also a number of people whom I've never seen before. For some reason, everyone seems to be incompetent and/or off task.

It's my first day back and my old boss, Brad, has already rehired me, but he's not in today. So, I walk over to my old desk and find just a pile of unsorted papers.

There is a note by the phone from Brad to me at my desk which has a checklist of things to do, like calling in completed repairs, doing the rental billing, checking the voicemail, cleaning the instruments on the wall, etc. These were some of my actual duties when I worked there in real life. The note also says "Do the billing first today!"

For some reason, on this checklist the password to check the voicemail is my debit card pin number, which I can attest to fact that it was not at the real store.

Things start to fade real fast at this point...and then I'm awake!

If I understand how lucid dreaming works, I may have screwed up initiating a lucid dream right here at this point. Although, I'm not sure if I realized that the voicemail password wasn't correct in the dream. I think it was immediately after I woke up that I figured it out. However, if I had gotten it in the dream, I probably could have taken control of the experience. Well, there's always tonight to try again. ;-)

Heavy Metal

Greetings, everybody! This is my first blog post on What the...?, however, I can guarantee you that it won't be my last if I keep having these bizarre dreams.

It was really odd this time because I wasn't a participant in the dream, but rather an observer. The dream felt more like I was watching scenes out of a movie, except it was in 3d and I've never seen this movie ;-)! There were a bunch of "scenes" I dreamt up last night, including a very elaborate subway chase, but the one which stuck out the most was as follows:

We're in a small house, located in an urban area; it feels like New York City. It's late in the day and the sun is starting to set. There are two people inside a room on the first floor...probably the living room.

The girl (for our purposes we'll call her Jane Doe) is in her mid 20s. She's got extremely light blonde hair: she's beautiful. At the moment, she's terrified and she's arguing with the other person in the room.

The other person is tall and he (we'll call him John Noakes) has an extremely wide build. He seems to be in his late 50s or 60s: his hair is the color of snow and is a bit long and unkept. He is wearing what appears to be the black robe of a judge.

Jane is trying to convince John that she did not murder someone they mutually knew. She is absolutely distraught about what has happened and apparently, she cared deeply for the deceased,

John is distant and walking around the room. Right now, Jane is doing most of the talking and John is just listening. After a few moments, however, John looks at Jane and says something to the effect of "enough! I killed him!"

Jane looks extremely confused, but that's only the beginning because suddenly John's robe burns away in flames to reveal that he is a machine!

Everything below his face and neck is made of some kind of red metallic substance. It is now revealed that his wide build is the result of all of these massive electronic components, hidden up until now under a loose fitting robe.

Jane demands to John, "why would you do this?!"

John replies curtly, "because I hated him." Immediately, John bursts out the front door and flies away into the night.

Then I woke up and went, "holy shit, it's noon!"

Until next time, fellow dreamers.

Back in the sack<3

After recently having the pleasure of spending some amaaaazing time (so much laughter!) with fellow "what the...?" blog buddies, bananasplitz and J. I am happy to be dream blogging once again! I have had a hard time remembering my dreams lately so I am hoping that writing about them regularly will help me retain some of the details. This seemed to be the case last time I was blogging a lot here.

That being said, here is my first attempt at remembering last night's dream:

I had two daughters. The youngest was barely 3, and had blond hair. The older daughter was six or seven I think, and was running around me wearing a white dress. She was holding yellow flowers and busy with her own thoughts. I was holding my youngest daughter for most of the dream because she was tired (maybe upset?). In my dream I was thinking about how much I loved her while I was walking (away? towards? I can't remember). I felt a very deep and honest love for her--I thought to myself that this was something I had always known would feel so real. I felt like all the ideas I had had when I younger about what having kids would be like were all reality.

I woke up this morning with that same deep heat of love in my chest. I wanted to write it down, but all I could do was make the coffee and relish in the feeling. It was pretty intense I have to say. I don't usually have dreams that beautiful, or ones that leave me so elated all morning.

Goodnight--and happy to be back<3

kinda traumatic birth scene

I've been under a lot of stress recently, with school and trying to make what feels like huge, life-altering decisions, so I've had a lot on my mind. this morning I had this dream, and woke up suddenly at the end, slightly alarmed at my dream.

I'm pregnant, and giving birth to a litter of many cats, which in the dream wasn't alarming or unusual at all. everything was going as planned, and I don't remember being in pain at all. there are people gathered around me, helping, but I'm not in a hospital, I think I'm at home. After I'm done giving birth to my litter, I'm lying down, exhausted, when we realize that one kitten hasn't been born yet and is still stuck inside me. but the kitten isn't in my uterus, it is in my wrist/arm, and is trying to claw its way out. my left wrist looks like one of those early 80s horror movie effects, with the flesh poking out and claws clearly stretching it. my friends and I are really startled and freaked out, and I quickly become panicked, not that the kitten is in my wrist, but that its clawing its way out and I don't know how to help it. a male friend whose identity is now blurry steps in to help me, and grabs a thick knife to cut my wrist so the kitten can come out. I become really scared and nervous because I just know its going to hurt so bad! I look away, and my friend grabs the pinky on my other hand, pinching it really hard to focus the pain somewhere else. with my eyes closed and my face turned away, I can picture the knife cutting my wrist and blood slowly dribbling out, but I wake up right before he cuts me.

I also had a dream I was in a kitchen of some sort, and someone was cooking breakfast, like bacon or something, and there are all of these full grown cats. I'm having trouble breathing and am gasping for breath because I'm allergic to cats (true in real life) and my asthma is really acting up, like to the point of my lungs closing. then I woke up.

what the?

I had really crazy dreams last week, possibly effected by the excitement of going to a Red Sox game, eating real late, before going to sleep, and Monk episodes playing in the background of my consciousness. some of the bizarreries:

*My friend A is sharing a dream that she has (within my dream). In my dream's alleged real life of A, she is going to finally meet in person a friend who she has been e-mailing with but yet to hang out with. she is excited to meet this friend, whom she imagines she would get along with, but is disturbed by the dream she had. In it, she is in the bathroom doing something in front of the sink/mirror and the friend walks in and takes a piss right next to her. she doesn't know that this friend is a F to M transsexual, so when he is standing over the toilet peeing, she is taken aback not only by the bathroom intrusion but by the dong. knowing that she has nothing against transsexuals, I offer an interpretation of her dream, "maybe the dream is about you finding out something unexpected...(not about tranny issues)"

*I'm showing somebody that my friend and i have learned how to dance, in what seems like the yard of my old house. at first the friend seems to be my childhood friend M. We are going smoothly through some sort of swing-like partners routine. I'm enjoying myself, and we are coming to the end of the routine, when I get the idea to improv some more dance moves. I tell M "kick your legs," as I hold her arms and flip her back a little. Her legs swing out, but she doesn't kick them. We stop shortly after, and I say, "You didn't kick your legs!" She doesn't respond, and it's obvious that she doesn't care about the improv moves and is annoyed of me. However, I'm stuck on the fact that by not kicking her legs out, it totally ruined the effect of the move and compromised our performance for our viewer. I'm trying to understand why she would want to do that, why she wouldn't kick her legs. Then, M turns into my friend L, and is walking away with a group of other friends. I'm following after her, saying, "But wait, we haven't resolved this (issue)." And she says to me, very snappy and angry, "Don't you care about anything besides dance?!"

*I'm a 23 year old, brown-haired, slender white man. I've just left some sort of upscale hotel/fashion boutique/social event-like thing where I was asked to help my mother pick out clothes or something. I come back to my house, where I live with other family members. However, I am the only one who seems to be home. Every room but the one I'm in is dark. Somehow, I find out that there is an intruder in the house. Our house has a security system, but seems to be ineffective. I hide in the small downstairs bathroom, leaning against the sink counter, trying to tell myself, "I'm 23 years old. I'm a grown man, I should act like one." Later on, a few more family members or people I know come into the house. At some point, we are all out and about in the house, and I'm caring for a child (i forget if I'm still the same man or a woman now). The intruder comes after us, and we try to find safety. I cannot hide in any random room, because the doors are not enough to protect us from the intruder (who seems to be female). Then, I have an idea to run up to the master bedroom bathroom upstairs (inspired by an actual waking-life bathroom). I clumsily and hurriedly try to lock the sliding bathroom door. Then, I run into the small room with a toilet, within the larger bathroom, and lock the door. The intruder has some catching up to do, so I have a little bit of time. I look out the window, and I see the others who have escaped and are standing several feet from the house on an elevated mound of dark brown soil/mud that opens onto some non-manicured land that is not ours. I think to take off the window screen and glass pane to escape out of the window but it is too small. There is another window, much larger, elsewhere in the bathroom. Again, I try to remove the screen and glass panes, but am aware of not alerting the intruder of these as they drop to the ground. I am still with my child, who could've possibly gone out the smaller window, but I am considering how to get both of us out, so we can join the other families awaiting us.

*I meet a few people. We are introducing ourselves, and one of the persons says, "I'm from S, CA." I respond, "S? I'm from S, too!" And as I confirm, "S as in zip code -----," he simultaneously recites the numbers. I ask him what part of S he's from, near the cities of F and O or near M and C. He's a little confused and doesn't seem to know which part he's near. I start drawing a map of the area. All this time I can see everything visually in my head as if I am there in those locations.

Smurf hair and a new boss

In this dream, I had a full head of smurf-blue-dyed shoulder-length hair. The night before, my friend R (who would more likely have this color hair) had taken the hairpins and barrettes out of her hair, and playfully put them in mine. I fell asleep in this state, and woke up late the next day, realizing I had an appointment with Z and my new boss.

I rushed over to Z's office. The wrong door was open, so I stumbled in with sleep in my eyes, and there was my new boss, who hadn't ever seen me before. He sort of stopped in his tracks with a baffled look on his face. I introduced myself, so he didn't think I was some freak off the street. He slowly warmed up and shook my hand.

Z and my boss were recording some voice over for a show, so I was sitting on the couch just hanging out, looking at how Z had reorganized the office for the VO recording. My boss had a cool mic, that I thought was a Blueberry (a particular model of microphone), but it said "Burberry" instead.

After my boss left, I realized I still had all the hair clips in from the night before, and decided that's why my boss was so freaked out when I walked in. I was embarrassed.

...and that's all I remember.

birthday cupcakes and freeways

my mom and I are going to a cupcake store, possibly for a birthday splurge, or just for an everyday splurge. we wait in line for what feels like forever, because I am just SO EXCITED about getting cupcakes. finally, we make it up to the counter that looks basically like an ice cream counter, but instead of tubs of ice cream there are platters of naked cupcakes, waiting to be frosted with different frostings, the flavors of which are posted on the wall like ice cream flavors. (this would be a great store to create in real life!) the man behind the counter asks what kind of cupcake I want, and I say, DUH, I want the strawberry one with pink (marshmallow) frosting (which I think is similar to a doughnut they make at voodoo doughnut here in portland), and a chocolate one with cookies and cream frosting (which is the kind of cupcake that someone special recently got me from saint cupcake for my bday!). my mom ordered some cupcakes also, and we ended up with two HUGE bags of cupcakes somehow. one was like the size of a beanbag chair, and it was vanilla cake with pink frosting. lovely. we left the store, bags in hand, and I was so excited!

then, I'm out on the back roads somewhere in between moorpark and camarillo and TO, surrounded by rolling green hills and freeways. I've had this dream before, so I remember it like I was actually there. I'm lost, or confused, and am on the freeway but they've done construction on it since I was here last so I've missed my exit or am just not sure where I'm going exactly, and feel adrift in the hills and the towns.

I think the cupcake part of the dream has something to do with being better to myself, being kinder and gentler. I think one reason I love my birthday so much is because I feel okay about spoiling myself, when I should maybe have this attitude year round.

Birthday Cake:
To see a birthday cake in your dream, indicates that the best of your wishes will be realized. It also represents your willingness to let people in and share your life with others. (I hope that's true!)

Highway:
To see a highway in your dream, represents your sense of direction and your life's path. Consider the conditions of the highway which will reveal how much you feel in charge of your life. A smooth, straight highway signifies inner peace, while a winding, bumpy road reflects emotional distress/disharmony.

Freeway:
To dream that you are on a freeway, indicates that you are feeling liberated and free. If the freeway is slow moving or blocked, then it suggests frustrations or obstacles that are hindering your path toward your goals.

Car:
To dream that you are driving a car, denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. Whether you are driving the car or a passenger, is indicative of of your active role or passive role in your life. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.

I think the car/driving part of my dream has to do with my indecision about my future, and this feeling of not really knowing where I'm going... I was in control of the car and the ride was beautiful and smooth and I enjoyed it immensely until I realized I had no clue where I was going.
now I really want a cupcake, for reals!!

i am an obese white man.

once i had a dream that i was riding a new york subway line during the light of day, crossing between brooklyn and manhattan, where the sun shines through the train windows as it rides past the bridge and i was listening to music on headphones and was so extremely uncontainably joyous...and in this dream train, plastic orange seats lined one side of the train, the opposite side, and had a middle sector of seats, where i sat as a very obese white man, dressed in casual wear. the train was not crowded at all though there were people in it. i was singing out, moving my body with the music in my headphones, totally unrestricted, happy, joyous and received...it felt like the sun was bursting out of me.

insecurity

this morning I had a very rambling, confusing dream that is interesting pretty much only for the ending. I've been sick all weekend and watching a lot of movies which might semi explain the weird narrative...

I'm at the house I grew up in in Westlake, upstairs in my room, and a person walks in. in the dream I knew him and recognized him but now I can't remember who it was. he tells me, something's going on out front, and he means in front of the house like in the driveway, but for some reason I equate it with the front of the property (like when I'm at mike and kenji's, and there's a front house/ back house) even though we only have one house. then, three young boys come into my room and I realize at once that a) their mother is busy/working/hurt/can't take care of them for some reason right now and b) that as a human it is my duty to help them out because they are less fortunate than me. so I start giving them things to play with, like my nintendo ds and different video games and magazines. they lie down and become preoccupied, and I leave my room and go downstairs. at the bottom of the stairs is a group of girls dressed up in halloween costumes, drunk and obnoxious, and I don't know why they're here because this is MY house and I didn't invite them. I shove my way through them, totally rudely, and they yell something at me but I keep walking back towards the piano in the living room. I turn to the left, and my mom's old family friend who I haven't seen in years is there, but she's shorter and wearing a costume as well. she says, oh my gosh you look great!! I love your new look!! and I'm thinking, what new look? do I really look all that different?? and I say, thank you, but clearly I don't internalize the compliment. my mom, who has been in the kitchen the whole time, turns to me and says gently and not accusingly, you're still really insecure aren't you? and I just nod.

there were some other random encounters in the house, like random people I ran into, but they're pretty foggy now. damn sick brain.

so, I think the ending is interesting because I've been dealing with self-esteem/self-image stuff a lot lately, and I watched mean girls last night, which although hilarious, never fails to make me scrutinize my body. I'm also trying to reconcile liking my (physical) self and letting my shield down enough to let others like me, and not letting my irrational insecurity get the best of me. I think I've made a lot of positive changes in the past year but its hard to let go of all the baggage ya know? anywho, just thought the ending of this one was so succinct and appropriate! thanks, subconscious!

grandma visits the u.s., sleeping aunt & phone calls.

i dreamt my brother e called me on my cell phone. i didn't look to see the name on the phone, so when i answered and heard his voice, i confirmed, "e?" 

he asked me, "how are you feeling? are you doing anything?" 

i replied, "i'm feeling alright, why?" 

"grandma's here in new york. she took a bus from san francisco," he said enthusiastically.

certain he was mistaken, i corrected him, "you mean, our AUNT, not grandma. our AUNT is in the U.S. grandma's in taiwan." i thought he had made the same slip of the tongue i had made myself, calling my aunt "grandma" (which had been previously discussed in the same dream and suggested as to referencing the closeness or similarity of the two people.)

"no, she was in san francisco and she jumped on a bus to new york," he said sorta ecstatically.

even though i trusted my brother, i was still in disbelief and wanted to see if my parents knew about this unbelievable happening of my 94 year old grandma spontaneously traveling to and through the u.s. alone. "i'm gonna call mom and dad and see if they know about this." e was quiet and i sensed that he was a little annoyed that i didn't seem to believe him. but i wanted to call my parents,  so i said something to him again.

as if he wasn't listening, he asked, "what?"

then, i got off the phone with him and pressed "2" on my cell phone, the speed dial for my parents' house. it rang, and then my uncle, aunt, or cousin's wife (i forget which) in taiwan answered. i had a visual glimpse of the other end, as if i were there while on the phone. i told whoever answered the phone that i was looking for my parents, immediately aware that i knew they were not there. i felt badly for dialing the wrong number, but also was stumped as to why the#2 speed dial had dialed my uncle's house, especially since i didn't have international long distance. on the other end of the phonecall, things became lively. several other relatives were visiting my uncle's home and somebody was asking me if i could guess who was there, from the voices speaking on the phone. i vaguely recall my mom being the person to ask me (though logically that doesn't make sense). i guessed my second eldest aunt, but was told that it was my 3rd eldest aunt and my eldest uncle's wife who were on the phone. this made me listen more carefully to the voices of the relatives who were speaking different things simultaneously from separate phones. their voices were all distinct in my mind, but somehow my guesses were still wrong. after being told who was on the phone, i tried to speak to them and say hello.

then, i was somehow at my family's old house, standing in the kitchen with my mother, her oldest sister and some other people. we were all standing around, talking i guess. and my eldest aunt was standing there, with her eyes closed. a little shocked, i thought to myself, "wow, she fell asleep while she's standing!" and immediately imagined my mom pointing out to me that nowadays my aunt often could fall asleep like so because of getting older. i put my arms around my aunt and told her gently, "auntie, if you want to sleep, you should sit down." she didn't hear me at all, as i tried to move her with my arms wrapped around her arms. i was a little worried, until i assured myself that she was still sleeping. then, i continued to move her towards a chair.