I think I've had a weird dream every morning this week, usually right before I wake up, which is unusual for me because its been really hot here and I've been sleeping badly (in which case I usually don't remember my dreams). this one was a couple of days ago and it was really traumatic at the time, although it seems ridiculous now. it might mean something, especially because it was so emotionally powerful, but I also think its just a general anxiety dream.
I'm in Portland, and my BFF is visiting but he's brought along my ex-boyfriend, GB, someone I'm not on the most friendliest of terms with, someone who he's not even friends with in real life, so I'm pretty much shocked they're here together. we're all in my apartment and I'm super, super upset that BFF brought GB and isn't even interested in doing anything with me; they've already made all their own plans and none of it includes visiting with me. I start throwing a major tantrum because I'm so upset. I'm throwing things at BFF and at one point I even slap him... GB is trying to play a tape on my broken tape deck and I snap at him that it doesn't work, thinking he's real idiot for trying (haha). I feel this uncontrollable anger and frustration, and even though I'm yelling and crying and letting it out physically, it doesn't feel like I'm venting it at all and it just keeps building up and overflowing. eventually, they leave, and then somehow I find out that my Portland friends have asked BFF to go on a camping trip for underprivileged kids with them, but have neglected to ask me. I am incredibly hurt and feel so left out! I'm talking to one friend, W, outside, and he says, you know, I'm so sorry, we didn't think this would happen, we thought someone asked you, we'll see if there's any room for you on the trip (doubtfully). I'm just a mess, I'm crying and feeling totally alone and sad. I realize that my mom is out of town, and my friend A has moved home... this is my last week in Portland before I move home and no one even remembered enough to want to hang out with me before I go... I start to shower because I think it will calm me down. afterwards, I'm standing at the sink combing my hair and in the mirror I see BFF's reflection which totally startles me, so I turn around and he disappears. then I wake up.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
what the vanessa hudgens?!
I think this might be the weirdest dream I've ever had in the history of my dreams... so funny. so vanessa hudgens and i are hanging out at my dad's house. she ends up spending the night, and we are in a huge room on a couch while my brother and sister (half-siblings, but on my mom's side, so its weird that they're at my dad's house) are asleep on the fold out couch bed. we stay up all night talking and kissing and having fun and we fall in love. i wonder if zac will care or get jealous now that we're dating because they seemed so in love, and V says, no he won't care, so I get the impression that their relationship was all for show anyways. we get up the next morning and talk about our day, going to school of course (we are in high school), and we are hanging out on this bench outside, talking and being in love, when my dad pulls up in a white minivan (like a soccer mom!). my dad asks us kind of exasperatedly when we're going to school, don't we realize its already 9am?! we have school at 10am! and we of course didn't realize how late it had gotten cos we were sitting and talking and were so absorbed into each other. all of a sudden another one of our girl friends is with us, so we all get in my dad's van and he rushes to drive us to our respective houses so we can change in time for school. my friends are speculating what they want to wear, and then i shout out 'i want hashbrowns!!' cos i'm hungry, and i ask my dad 'if we hurry, can we stop & get some food?!' so now my dad is really rushing to get us ready for school. in the car, i'm thinking about what shirt i'm going to change into and how i'm going to style my hair (with pomade, Duh! I'm in high school!).
conveniently, we all live in the same stretch of apartments, and because i spent the night at my dad's house, i'm now going to my mom's apartment to change my clothes. we pull up, and instead of it looking like a normal apartment structure, there is a walkway down the middle where a street would be, and the right half is apartments, and on the left it is raw unfinished dirt, like piled up in a fake mountain. the path we walk down is just dirt, and then little paths break off from the main path to get to each apartment. a maitre'd is taking me to my mom's and vanessa to her apartment, and while we're walking i'm singing that 80s song, "We Built This City" and somehow the music is playing in the background too, and I'm proud of myself for getting all of the timing for the entrances right and I think I'm impressing V with my skills. the maitre'd is in a white coat with black pants, like he works at a hotel-very fancy. and there are people on the left, working on the hill and in the dirt and some getting ready for school. the maitre'd stops at one door and there is no number on the door so i know its a supply closet. i try to tell him, no this isn't my mom's apartment, its a supply closet, but he won't listen and insists on opening the door anyway, only to find stacks of chairs. so we go to the next door and there is a cooking class going on in my mom's apartment. a group of women are learning how to make stuffed tomatoes, and for each woman there is a cooking station with a huge, stainless steel cooking pot.
then I wake up.
conveniently, we all live in the same stretch of apartments, and because i spent the night at my dad's house, i'm now going to my mom's apartment to change my clothes. we pull up, and instead of it looking like a normal apartment structure, there is a walkway down the middle where a street would be, and the right half is apartments, and on the left it is raw unfinished dirt, like piled up in a fake mountain. the path we walk down is just dirt, and then little paths break off from the main path to get to each apartment. a maitre'd is taking me to my mom's and vanessa to her apartment, and while we're walking i'm singing that 80s song, "We Built This City" and somehow the music is playing in the background too, and I'm proud of myself for getting all of the timing for the entrances right and I think I'm impressing V with my skills. the maitre'd is in a white coat with black pants, like he works at a hotel-very fancy. and there are people on the left, working on the hill and in the dirt and some getting ready for school. the maitre'd stops at one door and there is no number on the door so i know its a supply closet. i try to tell him, no this isn't my mom's apartment, its a supply closet, but he won't listen and insists on opening the door anyway, only to find stacks of chairs. so we go to the next door and there is a cooking class going on in my mom's apartment. a group of women are learning how to make stuffed tomatoes, and for each woman there is a cooking station with a huge, stainless steel cooking pot.
then I wake up.
visiting home & ozomatli day
so, according to my dream this morning...
ozomatli is a harvesting day that occurs on october 23rd. on that day, plants are harvested using a specific method, derived from indigenous people, that involves a very specific process of uprooting and replanting the plants. in my dream, there are a few organized persons (mainly white, in their 20s or 30s) who are organizing some plants on what feels like a punk farm. one of them is giving this brief background of ozomatli (i hear his voice detached from his body, like a tour guide speaking from afar). he distinguishes the ozomatli practice from another method of replanting that he dismisses as being seen done mostly by punk hipster kids. feeling that the people on the farm are not much different, i find it interesting that he is distinguishing their identities and practice from such kids using such clear, reductive labels.
this whole time, my view is of a corner of a building and the area around the corner. along the farther side of the building corner, a few feet outwards is a parallel, narrow farm-like structure, with metal arches rising from soil. perpendicular to the adjacent side of the corner (the side nearest me), there is a single row of 3 or 4 ft. tall, long-leafed plants with big, purple corn-like buds/flowers stretched straight ahead. i am standing a few feet in front, in front of a dark patch of soil. i am happily digging out with wide edges the plants and soil in this patch that is parallel to the wall, perpendicular to the row of potted, purple-budded plants.
after this process of uprooting, h.s. friend M comes by and is also working on the farm. he starts talking to me for a bit, as i stand there and take a break. as i take break, i realize i feel very physically stressed. i decide to go for a jog around the grassy, diamond, baseball-like field to which this tiny farm area opens out into. i'm looking forward to returning to the work, but just gotta shake out the stress in my body by this free sprint around the field. as i pass the backstop of the diamond, returning to the farther corner of the building, i pass by someone i recognize cheerleading. when i return, M has finished the job. the soil now appears as wooden tiles from my waking life old house. and the plants that have been planted are now thick leafless stems arising from out of the side of the tiles. i am a little disappointed that M has finished all the work, and wonder if he thought my going for a sprint meant i wasn't dedicated to the work and therefore, wasn't going to finish it. and then, siding with the logic, i figure, "well, maybe i wasn't working hard enough. probably other people here are working harder and i shouldn't have taken a break."
now, prior to this dream sequence, i am visiting my friends in southern california, though the scenery looks much more like vague dream scenery as opposed to anything familiar or concrete. i see my best friend, from an observational point of view, and it becomes apparent to me how my living far away effects her. i become aware of how the effect on her is also felt in my life, but in a different way and how unlike her, i've been accustomed to living a sort of socially difficult life--whereas the source of her difficulty is pinpointed as my absence and felt as a subtle fear of the many other people she is sociable with leaving her. then, she and i are walking around and talking, and i tell her ambiguously how i have stuff to show/share with her, without telling her it is the music i've been working on in school. then, W, another h.s. acquaintance comes by. he is on the move and hands me a piece of paper with dates and times, and reiterates what is already written on the paper, as he points to it, "i'll be here on this day, with free time from 1 to 10. let's hang out then." at first, i misread the times, thinking he's designated only one hour of time to hang out. i feel disappointed that the time is so short, but then i realize my mistake and think, "wow, nine hours. that's a good amount of time!" then i jokingly write on the paper, "that sounds good," as i respond aloud the same words. then M (same one) comes by, handing me an small orange rectangular sheet of paper that is less-detailed than the white sheet W handed me with his schedule. the one M hands me says something like, "I'll be in T.O. Let's hang out." i say to him, "sure," wondering why he wants to hang out with me and thinking that it's because in T.O., there aren't many people he would want to hang out with...and apparently, i'm the closest to cool in T.O. in his book. then, he leaves.
now, i'm talking on the phone with a h.s. friend D, who is telling me about a piece of music that he got commissioned to write/perform and such-and-such a venue. i also become aware of our friend DJ who has some sort of institution-related, art work (a bush-like structure) going on. i am very happy for the both of them. M is now far away but communicating to me somehow (it's like we are talking, but there is no phone). he tells me about the changes in his life, about how he's thinking of looking for new work, expressing dissatisfaction with his past work, and how he's thinking of moving out of santa cruz. he tells me about some music he wrote (compositional as opposed to songwriting) that is going to be performed at such-and-such a venue. i am excited for him, and relate the news about D and his music. M proceeds to tell me they got the gig together. it's the same venue. he is very confident that no will will show up and disappointed about this. i offer my sincere support, "aww, i would totally come, if i were there..." i also tell him about D's unclassified instutition/art work. as i talk to M, i realize his personality will always be very strong and fast-paced, and i wonder how one would relate to him on a normal basis (as opposed to once in a while), feeling it is something new to me, that I would have to adjust to.
ozomatli is a harvesting day that occurs on october 23rd. on that day, plants are harvested using a specific method, derived from indigenous people, that involves a very specific process of uprooting and replanting the plants. in my dream, there are a few organized persons (mainly white, in their 20s or 30s) who are organizing some plants on what feels like a punk farm. one of them is giving this brief background of ozomatli (i hear his voice detached from his body, like a tour guide speaking from afar). he distinguishes the ozomatli practice from another method of replanting that he dismisses as being seen done mostly by punk hipster kids. feeling that the people on the farm are not much different, i find it interesting that he is distinguishing their identities and practice from such kids using such clear, reductive labels.
this whole time, my view is of a corner of a building and the area around the corner. along the farther side of the building corner, a few feet outwards is a parallel, narrow farm-like structure, with metal arches rising from soil. perpendicular to the adjacent side of the corner (the side nearest me), there is a single row of 3 or 4 ft. tall, long-leafed plants with big, purple corn-like buds/flowers stretched straight ahead. i am standing a few feet in front, in front of a dark patch of soil. i am happily digging out with wide edges the plants and soil in this patch that is parallel to the wall, perpendicular to the row of potted, purple-budded plants.
after this process of uprooting, h.s. friend M comes by and is also working on the farm. he starts talking to me for a bit, as i stand there and take a break. as i take break, i realize i feel very physically stressed. i decide to go for a jog around the grassy, diamond, baseball-like field to which this tiny farm area opens out into. i'm looking forward to returning to the work, but just gotta shake out the stress in my body by this free sprint around the field. as i pass the backstop of the diamond, returning to the farther corner of the building, i pass by someone i recognize cheerleading. when i return, M has finished the job. the soil now appears as wooden tiles from my waking life old house. and the plants that have been planted are now thick leafless stems arising from out of the side of the tiles. i am a little disappointed that M has finished all the work, and wonder if he thought my going for a sprint meant i wasn't dedicated to the work and therefore, wasn't going to finish it. and then, siding with the logic, i figure, "well, maybe i wasn't working hard enough. probably other people here are working harder and i shouldn't have taken a break."
now, prior to this dream sequence, i am visiting my friends in southern california, though the scenery looks much more like vague dream scenery as opposed to anything familiar or concrete. i see my best friend, from an observational point of view, and it becomes apparent to me how my living far away effects her. i become aware of how the effect on her is also felt in my life, but in a different way and how unlike her, i've been accustomed to living a sort of socially difficult life--whereas the source of her difficulty is pinpointed as my absence and felt as a subtle fear of the many other people she is sociable with leaving her. then, she and i are walking around and talking, and i tell her ambiguously how i have stuff to show/share with her, without telling her it is the music i've been working on in school. then, W, another h.s. acquaintance comes by. he is on the move and hands me a piece of paper with dates and times, and reiterates what is already written on the paper, as he points to it, "i'll be here on this day, with free time from 1 to 10. let's hang out then." at first, i misread the times, thinking he's designated only one hour of time to hang out. i feel disappointed that the time is so short, but then i realize my mistake and think, "wow, nine hours. that's a good amount of time!" then i jokingly write on the paper, "that sounds good," as i respond aloud the same words. then M (same one) comes by, handing me an small orange rectangular sheet of paper that is less-detailed than the white sheet W handed me with his schedule. the one M hands me says something like, "I'll be in T.O. Let's hang out." i say to him, "sure," wondering why he wants to hang out with me and thinking that it's because in T.O., there aren't many people he would want to hang out with...and apparently, i'm the closest to cool in T.O. in his book. then, he leaves.
now, i'm talking on the phone with a h.s. friend D, who is telling me about a piece of music that he got commissioned to write/perform and such-and-such a venue. i also become aware of our friend DJ who has some sort of institution-related, art work (a bush-like structure) going on. i am very happy for the both of them. M is now far away but communicating to me somehow (it's like we are talking, but there is no phone). he tells me about the changes in his life, about how he's thinking of looking for new work, expressing dissatisfaction with his past work, and how he's thinking of moving out of santa cruz. he tells me about some music he wrote (compositional as opposed to songwriting) that is going to be performed at such-and-such a venue. i am excited for him, and relate the news about D and his music. M proceeds to tell me they got the gig together. it's the same venue. he is very confident that no will will show up and disappointed about this. i offer my sincere support, "aww, i would totally come, if i were there..." i also tell him about D's unclassified instutition/art work. as i talk to M, i realize his personality will always be very strong and fast-paced, and i wonder how one would relate to him on a normal basis (as opposed to once in a while), feeling it is something new to me, that I would have to adjust to.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)