Speaking of nightmares...

I only have nightmares every once in a while, but I have been sick for the last 4 days and I think this might be triggering some bad dreams at night. Two nights ago I had the oddest thing happen to me. Whit was I woken up when it appeared that I was running while lying down in bed. Whit immediately woke me up from the nightmare, which is actually the first time I have ever been waken up out of a nightmare. Although it appeared as if I were running that was not the case in my dream unfortunately. I think I would of liked that more than what follows. I was standing on a pier, and it was so dark and foggy that I couldn't see anything around me. Just black in all directions. I looked down and suddenly the boards split, and something very strong was pulling me straight down into the equally dark water. I couldn't tell if it had hands, or if it was a person. I fell down and started kicking as hard as I could to get it off of me. That was where Whit came in, and I woke up gasping. Eek. I hate nightmares like that one. I told my mother about my dream yesterday, and she went on to diagnose the dream in the same way she always does. Somehow in her eyes my nightmares always relate to me graduating, and getting into the "real world". Sorry mom, I think this may have been just a sick-ee dream:)

engagements & nightmares

(preface: a couple of days ago, I woke up and was going about my morning business when I remembered I had this dream which is funny to me because I have no desire, wish, or hope to ever get married. as I remembered more and more of it, I had to laugh to myself because it was so ridiculous! it felt kind of like trying on a halloween costume or something you would never wear in your daily life... but is kind of exciting because you're trying on a different role. maybe that's what dreams are all about.)

I'm going to a family reunion/picnic and I'm wearing a big, poofy, cropped winter jacket, jeans, and a tight shirt, with big earrings and my hair up in a high ponytail (kinda like Hilda from Ugly Betty). I'm there with an amiga, but the face is kinda blurry, so I'm not really sure who it is but I know its one of my homegirls. I have a HUGE diamond ring on my left ring finger, knowing I'm engaged to be married, but in the dream I didn't think about to whom, or it wasn't really all that important to me. every time I looked at the ring and tilted my hand to show people, I would give a little scream of delight! I kept showing it to my homie, and screaming, but I don't remember her reaction. we walked up to the table of food, and then I looked over to my left, and there was someone's grandpa sitting in a wheelchair. out of nowhere a bird flies up and poops on his head, and it was really funny cos he was bald, so the poop just spread all over his crown...

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(this was one of those nightmares where you wake up gasping for breath and panicked that your dream was real... I had to call m. at work right away for reassurance because this dream freaked me out so badly... his boss probably thinks I'm crazy! and I think I have abandonment issues.)

I'm walking through a party, which I somehow know is a halloween party but no one is dressed up. a lot of my ventura friends and old housemates are there, but we don't really interact. m. and I are wandering around this huge, creepy, old house who belongs to an old man who is out of town. we end up in his office which is a HUGE room, mostly wooden and old and dusty, with bookcases and books on every wall, and a huge wooden desk and a leather couch that just give off this air of importance. there is also a huge bed in the room too, and m. and I were talking on it until he gets up from the bed and says hes going on a roadtrip with so and so and his mom (it was a conglomeration of different people), and I couldn't come. which I thought was really mean because he knew I was lonely at this party and didn't connect with anyone, and how could he leave me like this?!?! I was really upset, and felt panicked and alone, like I was on the edge of a cliff. m. had really long hair, and was putting conditioner in it, which I thought was disgusting. I started crying and told him to be careful because I knew so and so was a bad driver. I was feeling angry, and deserted, sad, and lonely all at once. I grabbed m.'s shirt by the collar, and said, "if anything happens to you, I'll kill you." and I was pissed. he was surprised I was so emotional and kind of mad because he thought I was overreacting. I think that's when I woke up.

oh hello!

I just wanted to introduce myself to the blog. I already know you Bootcakes, but I wanted to say hello to J. as well. Thanks for having me here, and I am pretty excited to get some of the wacky dreams I have out onto paper, or in this case, out onto the keyboard and onto the screen. A little dream background for me is that my favorite dreams to have are ones where I go to a movie theater, sit down to watch a movie, and then when I wake up I realize I made the entire movie up! Lately though, I have been have having a lot of reoccurring dreams about this one house in a place that looks like Georgia. I can't tell yet what the house means, or why I keep coming back to it in my dreams, but it pulls at my curiosity every time. The house is one level, but very wide and stretches across a large green lawn. There are many trees lining the street, and most of them appear to be fruit trees. The sun is always shining when I see this house. The best part is that usually I forget and then remember a whole other part of the house. The other part is a large room, with a big old bed with cannonball bed posts. Is that what they are called? That's my best shot:) It also has a big table that I always think about doing art on. I feel at home in this house, but yet I have no recollection of ever seeing this house in waking life. I'd like to find that house in my dreams again soon.

males & race...ready set go!

I took a nap this afternoon. Before I fell asleep, I was thinking about ice skating, cold climates, and the effects of cold climate on a person and how that relates to New England extremities of weather. How does one change when regularly exposed to an icy climate? Do we become sluggish in our ways when the sun is bright and the weather warm year round? Do we become busier, motivated, pushed when our bodies have to change with the seasons, when our hot, sunny time and our cold, snowy time are limited and moving? Thinking of these things, I somehow fell asleep, from what I recall. And this is what I dreamt...

I'm with Mr. H (person from waking life that I dated years ago), hanging out at his totally fictitious house, and thinking with wonder as I stare at characteristic things in the house, "We mesh so easily...I could totally live this life..." But knowing that I had previous to this dream moment been against getting back together with him, I pause in confusion at the realization of this contradictory harmonious stance. I try to make sense of what I feel, and then remember...that even though the moment is harmonious and the picture of this life that I'm looking at looks nice, I'm forgetting to see the depth to the connection between us--all the effort and the other things that I didn't care for that I already experienced in the past.

I have to leave. There are acquaintances from Berklee (my waking life school) in this house-ish building that I'm in, who are sort of in the background. I'm just trying to get the hell out of the house-ish building, which is kinda fancy nice, but somehow a segue from Mr. H's outdoorsy/nature/woodsy type of house. But before I can get out, I have to change my clothes for some reason, which I'm attempting to do in a hurry in this one bedroom-like room with these huge, tall windows opening to like a street. I am changing in a hurry without concern for anything else going on around me, until I become self-conscious for a millisecond, deciding to pull the window curtains closed. But since they are huge, I only manage to draw one of the curtains partially closed with my hasty movement. Eventually I hurry out of the building onto the streets, and while the windows from inside had showed daylight outside, stepping outside the city was now dark night.

I'm walking hurriedly down a hill-ish street, and there are other people walking along the street, as well, including a couple. One of them says to the other with a harassing tone, "Ask her if she's from Chinatown!" I feel offended that because these "white" people see an "Asian" person they automatically think I live and belong in some bubble Asian neighborhood (I respect Chinatown, but the suggestion that all Asian people would live there or belong there because they don't belong outside or elsewhere is...well, messed up). I continue to walk past in now offense-fueled speed. Somehow I make my destination at some restaurant, where I'm a waitress (with other Asian American staff?). There is this table with a (non-Asian Am) family sitting down. They are waiting for service, and the father figure at the table has a rough personality and seems aggressive. He is angry for waiting and is semi-trying to get the attention of the staff by shaking his fist or knuckles in a "Come here"-demanding sort of way. I walk to his table, knowing that a good waitress provides efficient service and that I have not done a great job by keeping them waiting, and confront the father/husband figure saying, "I know my job is to serve you...But I'm a HUMAN BEING. WE'RE HUMAN BEINGS!" He orders something odd like a dish of garlic. I go back to the kitchen to get it, but before reaching the fridge my brother E says, "That was kinda harsh, wasn't it?" And I justify either aloud or in my head (I forget which) that it wasn't, because he was being offensive--he wasn't just waiving a waiter over for service, he was shaking his fist in a threatening and demanding manner. As I'm retrieving the man's request in the kitchen, I feel a little paranoid, like the joke is on me. Why am I getting this __blankity blank request__? Do they sincerely want it or is that guy just giving me a hard time? I start to wonder whether I've made a situation unnecessarily worse than it was to begin with, though I had justified my response a second ago.

Suddenly I'm in a house again, and the man who I served is responsible for paying my income and giving me a pair of black dress shoes, and providing other generous gifts to me. I'm finding this out as news. I start to think it's wrong to take gifts from someone who treated me so offensively...and start to think about where my money is coming from and what I'm buying and using the money with...It doesn't feel right to have my lifestyle or life supported by his money.