hey, bloggers. nice to see it's busy on here...
so, i've failed to blog many a strange, intriguing dream since i last posted, but here i am today with two snippets from this past week or so.
*dream of my friends D and M who used to date years ago: there's a bridal image of D. M is there with her as a friend, earnestly insisting that he needs to speak with her, but she is obviously preoccupied with getting married. i'm not participant in the dream, just watching. somehow, it's communicated to me (not necessarily in words) that the message of this dream is to show the depth of beauty that M sees in D.
*this morning i dreamt i was getting married to an old friend who i'll call X. the ceremony is outside (maybe in a park), very casual. it's an impromptu decision to get married. X and i are dressed in pretty casual clothes--you wouldn't suspect either of us to be bride or groom. somehow, without much of any planning there are still family and friends who are magically present at this humble, little, slightly uphill, outdoor spot that has seats and a little white arch where X is ready and waiting for me. i am in some sort of room trying to get ready and my friends are around, when i start to panic, "i don't have a ring for him!!!! what am i gonna do? sh*t!! i don't have a ring! i need to call my mom!! what am i gonna do?!?" for some reason, my mother is nowhere to be found, though she is the one person i need the most at that moment. in my thoughts raced a million stabs at solving this problem, including asking my mom for a ring to use, but my rationale clicks in, "even if i get a hold of my mom, she won't have a ring typically worn by a man! i need a wedding band, not just a ring! sh*t!!!!!!!!!" i feel horrible, because X is already ready and no doubt has a ring for me. the wedding is supposed to start soon, and i'm missing one of the most important ceremonial gestures of our love! in the panic of being unprepared, i head left, away from the ceremony spot, towards my best friend L, who's by a phone and sitting on a stool, by a bar-like counter. i ask where she thinks we should have the reception, at place-blah-blah or at Chen's (an excellent restaurant that my family has frequented for many years). before she answers, i'm thinking Chen's will want to plan out a very nice reception and menu, which we do not have to time to do. Since everything is so impromptu, we have to go with a place that isn't as thoughtful. i tell L, "make sure there are some vegan dishes." she assures me, "there will be. they're mostly for you." and i reply, "it's for my dad, too." without doing much planning myself, my friends have taken care of things without my having to ask and in a very relaxed, hassle-free manner.
"Marriage: To see a marriage in your dream, signifies commitment, harmony or transitional period. You are undergoing an important developmental phase in your life. The dream may also represent the unification of formerly separate or opposite aspects of yourself. In particular, it is the union of masculine or feminine aspects of yourself. Consider the qualities and characteristics of the person that you are marrying. These are the qualities that you need to look at incorporating within yourself." (from Dreammoods.com)
3 comments:
Yes, I'm commenting on my own blog post. I had a bit of self indulgent ranty thoughts that weren't solely dream-related.
Honestly, Dreammoods.com nailed it...Lately, I have been doing a significant amount of self-acceptance moment by moment, day by day, particularly in terms of gender. Lately, I've been thinking more about my conflictive mentality about self-image, vanity, and attractions. Like I don't want to be vain, but I am; I don't want to indulge some crush that has no basis in reality, but I do...until I resist my imagination enough and contemplate the source of this initial attraction until it has dwindled into a blissful reality of understanding. Feeling a great love and acceptance from my friendships lately, I've been thinking more about who I am and whether or not I accept or like myself as my friends do. I've been thinking I should start doing so where I haven't been doing so.
While, I've managed to accept and support the gender choices, qualities, behaviors of others that I may not relate to or agree with, I'm trying harder now to accept or improve upon my attitude on my own gender which has been contradicting and confusing itself into somewhere undefined and just says "whatever" out of exhaustion.
Since a younger friend of mine made a valerie-solanas-like comment about all men being scum and claimed for the most part to be sincere, I've been thinking about how to reconcile our different attitudes, approaches, sources, and contexts for feminism. Aside from that, I've also been contemplating and critically considering influential or creative, bold "women" musicians (including MIA, Peaches, riot grrl-related bands) and their differing takes on their voices as women or even feminists, which I may not agree with, but is of course, still interesting to consider. Beside gender dynamics that creep through daily life, I'm aware of the dynamics at my music school, which has a larger male-identified population than female-identified. Additionally, it is reflective of the male-dominant field that we students are venturing into....And of course, there is always the question in the back of my head, that if gender is fluid and not dichotomous, but is practiced in such a way, how can we redefine our attitudes, our stance, and the practice of gender without betraying the feminist/gender-defined fight for empowerment, rights, validity, voice, space, and so on? as with racial issues, i find myself saying, "hey. this shit exists, happens and matters. we need to claim it, empower ourselves, organize, etc." and yet i feel more strongly that, "my life and me are more than these racial/ethnic identities, of which the need to exist is significantly based upon the categorical and mostly f*ed up constructs and associated attitudes and practices of our history and current society." even juxtaposed against the constructs in order to empower, resist, shift and redefine, make human, educate, and create, we are confined by the term. but perhaps that is inescapable when a problem is a problem?
wow, J! I love that you commented on your own post... lots of things to say here.
first of all, we are so soul twins! I've been thinking about a lot of the same things lately. Been thinking about marriage a lot lately because of TV shows and things like that, but also in my feminist analysis summer class we're talking about same sex marriage and trying to define it and what it means to us... which is a daunting task!
(are the D and M in your dream DN and ML?? if so, I've been having dreams about D lately too... weird! and I love your analysis of that dream, M's impression of D and the depth of D's beauty. so beautiful.)
its interesting you had two different dreams about marriage, one where maybe your brain is processing it with the people you know, and the other where you are in the focal role but totally panicked! do you think the second one has something to do with the great support you've been feeling from your friends? maybe you've already answered this for yourself, but in relation to dreammoods' interpretation of trying to reconcile (there's that word again!!) two different aspects of yourself, I wonder what it means that you felt unprepared?? so interesting! maybe I'm just projecting...
from your comment, it sounds like you've been doing a lot of inner work which is awesome! I've been thinking along those same lines lately, like trying to treat myself as I would treat a dear friend. when I catch myself saying mean comments or thinking cutting things, I wonder why I say things like that to myself when I would never, ever say something so mean to another person.
as far as gender dynamics go, it must be really interesting to observe at your school! I kind of feel like I've been in a bubble the past two years being in portland and also being in the women's studies dept... it'll be interesting to be back in so cal!
you raise so many good questions here... are you talking about operating outside of societal constructs and how would it be possible to unite outside of those constructs?? or am I totally off?
I love this post!
Thanks, A! I love your comment! Your insights and feedback are always great!
Indeed, the D and M in the first snippet are who you think they are. It was so random. I don't remember if I was thinking about the two of them earlier in the day, or why I would conjure up such a dream.
As for marriage, it's probably been on my mind for a few reasons. I attended two wedding ceremony/receptions of two long-time friends in about one month's time...which naturally gets one thinking about one's own life--like would I ever get married or want a wedding? I think I would want children, and don't want to have them too late in life, but...marriage, committment, a right partner, reasons, love/romance, tradition vs. alternative paradigms? Questions I have and doubts that I feel...
Of course, the legalization of same-sex marriage in CA is a joyous event and effects one's attitude on the unfairly privileged institution of hetero marriage. It's easier to celebrate the act of marriage and not feel ill about it when all people have the option to participate in it...not that everyone does have that option yet, but...
Also, someone else who's extremely close to me may be nearing marriage soon...so, marriage is in my head.
In waking life X is someone who I think of as being decided and more conventional about relationships and of plans to marry one day. Perhaps my uncertainties and questions about the the concept of marriage (in other words, unpreparedness) are seeking the certainty of path that X has.
as for the question about societal constructs. I was raising questions that I don't have answers to. I don't know yet which is the way to open up our outlooks and practice and use of gender while fighting against genderized oppression, discrimination and inequality...I'm guessing reconceptualization is a solution, but it's a pretty bold, gutsy move to try to reconeptualize feminism and its relation to gender, not that there aren't already people who have closely reconciled the two...I'm sure there are. In fact, in the second edition of "Cunt," I skimmed the Preface (or intro?) to see what was new in this edition, and she mentions that someone brought to her attention that the first edition excluded the consideration of transgendered folks. so, i 'spose in the second edition, she has some thoughts on this subject, on reconciling the different bounds of gender with the vision of "Cunt." I haven't read the additions/second ed. yet!
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