superintenseselfdefense

Four nights ago, I had this dream. I don't vividly remember the first parts of it anymore, but I do remember that they were relatively normal dream happenings. The later dream scenes, on the other hand, were very much otherwise. And they are as follows. . .

My friend N. threw me a surprise birthday party. However, I wasn't surprised when I walked into the house/room that he and my friends were in. The reason I wasn't surprised was because I had suspected something from the unusual silence that I sensed from outside the house, as I prepared to enter. Because my "surprise" reaction was not completely sincere or outstanding, N. felt seriously disappointed. I walked past N. and past J. who was standing against the wall across from N. Even though in waking life, I've never formally met J. and only know of him through a local Iraq Moratorium group and through Facebook, his name-identity immediately popped into my head as I passed. He was the only one leaning against the wall opposite the entry door. He looked real casual and was not talking to anyone. I looked around at everyone as I walked down this hallway-like/narrow, rectangular room. They were all standing on one side of this room (except for J.). There was a refreshments table on the same side. When I reached the end of the hallway-like room farthest from the entry, I stopped near two former classmates from my elementary and middle schools who I hadn't seen since then. They were asking me what had happened to me (because we had lost touch). I paused in my own thoughts and suddenly felt this overwhelming, painful, remorseful regret for having disappointed N. and having taken for granted the people at the party. The feeling was so remorseful, because I was thinking that what had been done was done. Even though I felt so badly, there was nothing I could do to change the past. So, I proceeded towards my destination...the next room. The entryway to the next room was on the same side of the room as J.

After walking a few steps into the next room, I saw this anonymous woman (blonde-haired) standing in the middle of what looked like the "study room" of my family's old home. The "study room" is a big room with windows that face the front of the house/the street from the second-story. This anonymous woman was being sexually harassed via phone by a neighbor (a young adult man) who lived directly across the street. After walking into the room, I observed that the harassment was being directed at her specifically and not me also. I felt relieved but also very defensive or protective for the anonymous woman. I took the phone out of her helpless hands and told the harasser off, then hung up. With no explanation, another girl appeared in the room and was standing together with the harassed woman, as her friend. Through the windows, we could see the harasser still harassing us off-phone.  I sensed that he would not stop and that matters might escalate if he decided to sexually assault us. So, I mentally prepared to get out of the situation at the first sign of escalation.

The harasser's anger and hatred continued and increased, and soon he flew out of the second-story room of his house across the street, crashing through the windows into the second-story room of my house. (At this point the house is illogical...the party room is on the first floor, the next room is a room looking out from a second-story view. and the surprise party is irrelevant.) The man was obviously coming to assault us, so, I started to run out of the room. But first, I beckoned the other two women in urgency, telling them to run with me. They were paralyzed by the shock of the man coming at us and didn't budge, forcing me to decide whether or not to try to save myself or attempt to grab the ladies and protect them. Before I could make a decision, it was too late--the harasser was in the room. I knew that I could not fight him off to protect the ladies and that I still had a chance. So, I ran as fast as I could down the stairs to find somewhere to hide or escape to. I knew the two women would be assaulted and that I would be next if he caught up to me. I ran down the stairs around the corner and into my kitchen. I was planning to run as far as I could, but stopped and hid under a desk in the kitchen, an instinctive move that surprised myself. In the heat of the moment, I calculated that trying to get away by running to the house door, unlocking and then opening the door to the outside would take too long and have created a risk if the harasser caught up with me. So, I decided to stay hidden under the desk, in hopes that he would not be able to find me. He came down the stairs, turned the corner to the kitchen and paused in front of the desk. I was huddled up really tight and was hoping hard he wouldn't see me. I could see his legs squatting down slowly with his hand reaching blindly towards me, so I immediately smacked him hard with something the shape of a book or a baking pan. This gave me some time to get away from under the desk and out of his reach. However, he came after me and got a hold of me near the kitchen counter. Since I was in my own kitchen, I knew I could rely on the defense of kitchen knives. So, I successfully grabbed one and stabbed him until I ended up killing him. I remember feeling horrible and guilty that I had killed someone, wishing I hadn't had to, even though it was for self-defense.

Then, I woke up...like, "WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?"